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Charlie, Charlie are you there?
June 3, 2015 Rhesus Park has expressed grave fears over the safety of our renegade chimp after learning about the Charlie, Charlie craze that has become a global sensation on the internet.
Twitter, Facebook and YouTube users may have been labouring under the misapprehension they are contacting a Mexican spirit called Charlie when they place two pencils on top of each other in a bid to enter the supernatural realm.
And that’s because Rhesus Park chief executive David Alsatian has dipped his own toe in these murky demonic waters to discover that the spirit in question could actually be the ghost of our beloved missing chimp Charlie.
Alsatian started to become suspicious when sightings of Charlie started to dry up, with Rhesus Park learning nothing of his whereabouts since he was responsible for Madonna taking a tumble at the Brit Awards.
This led to fears that Charlie may have finally come a cropper in the dangerous world of a streetwalking simian, with suspicions arousing further upon learning about the Charlie Charlie Challenge on Twitter.
Alsatian said: “I started to do some further research and eventually stumbled upon a Mexican video on YouTube (above) where it soon became clear that the demon was in fact our beloved Charlie.
“Fearing that it might be an elaborate hoax by our arch enemies at Whipsnade Zoo, I then decided to channel Charlie’s spirit myself. After asking a series of Yes/No questions that only Charlie would know the answer to, I’m now 99 per cent certain the demon is our poor chimp.”
The questions posed to Charlie were: Did David Alsatian have a torrid, rabidly sensual, love affair with the BBC newsreader Sue Lawley? (Yes) Do you like Curly Wurlies? (No) Did head keeper Clemente Kurva headbutt Wolf, grope Jet and get sent home in disgrace when he appeared on Gladiators in 1991? (Yes) Has Rhesus Park been cheated out of a Shropshire Business Award for the past decade? (Yes) Would you give the guy from the Corrs a blowie if it meant you could sleep with the rest of the group? (No) and Will Disney destroy Star Wars’ legacy even more than the Phantom Menace? (Yes)
Charlie answered every question correctly so it’s now almost certain our renegade chimp has entered the spirit world and is now angering religious zealots, teasing teenyboppers and scaring impressionable teenagers.
Have you channelled Charlie with your pencils? If so, send an email to firstname.lastname@example.org and tell us what you talked about.
Nepal Earthquake Appeal
April 30, 2015 Like the rest of the world, Rhesus Park was shocked and saddened to hear about the terrible earthquake in Nepal. When such terrible news breaks, it really does put everything else in perspective.
It's now time to show solidarty with our brothers and sisters in this devastated country by donating money to help those charities who are trying to find survivors and comfort grieving families before turning their attention to what will be a massive and lengthy rebuilding programme.
Chuck top of the Rhesus pops
April 13, 2015 Rhesus Park's groundbreaking experiment into the musical tastes of the simian race is now over and we can proudly reveal The 50 Greatest Monkey-Related Songs ever recorded.
After months of exhaustive research in tandem with renowned animal pyschologists and behaviour experts, we have drawn up a list of the tracks which elicit the greatest level of happiness among the many species at our park.
And top of the pile is the classic Chuck Berry song Too Much Monkey Business, proving that the Rhesus Park monkeys have highly refined tastes.
That was followed closely by Johnny Nash's exceptional soul track Love Ain't Nothing But A Monkey On Your Back while the seminal song I Wanna Be Like You from the Jungle Book soundtrack charted at No.3.
Rhesus Park CEO David Alsatian said: "We are delighted that our simians responded so positively to good music while showing total disdain for the manufactured pap that clogs up the charts these days.
"It's another indication that monkeys are a lot smarter than we humans give them credit for. Rhesus Park is proud that we have contributed towards the advancement of simian intelligence with this pioneering study."
Each song was assigned an Overall Simian Happiness (OSH) rating after every species was closely observed by animal psychologists and monitored with advanced technological equipment every time the track was played over the tannoy at Rhesus Park.
We noticed distinct differences from species to species, with the high-energy gibbons preferring dance, punk and ska tracks while the laidback bonobos opted for classic soul and folk.
Dr Julius Zeebrugge, the animal psychologist who led our team of experts, said: "I have always suspected different species of simians to vary in their appreciation of music and we now have concrete proof thanks to Rhesus Park and their progressive approach.
"It has been a pleasure being part of this pioneering piece of work and I hope people now appreciate just how close to our simian cousins we are."
The Drone Wars
April 9,, 2015 Hollywood production company Narcanon Films have filed a multi-million pound lawsuit against Rhesus Park after our chimps destroyed one of their state-of-the-art drone cameras.
Rhesus Park CEO David Alsatian pulled off a coup by persuading Narcanon to film their long-awaited biopic of George W Bush - which charts his sensational rise from humble Texan zoo chimp to president of the USA via a stint as a draft-dodging fighter pilot - slap bang in the heart of Shropshire.
However, this stunning deal - which was set to earn Rhesus Park $750 plus priceless worldwide exposure - collapsed on the first day of filming when the sophisticated camera drone was flown over the chimp enclosure.
Director Hank Offenheimer planned to open up his magnus opus with a long-tracking shot that displays the majesty of Bush's birthplace at Cameron Park Zoo in Waco.
Our luxurious chimp enclosure was perfect for his needs, not to mention 75 per cent cheaper than Cameron Park itself, but the Rassie-winning director didn't bargain for the cantankerous nature of our primates.
Fearful that the drone was a surveillance plane sent by their great Rhesus Park rivals, the baboons, our chimps formulated a defence strategy and sent their most nimble ape out to take it down.
Armed only with a large branch, this brave simian managed to fell the UFO with just one rapier thrust, sending the fancy camera flying to the deck where it smashed into smithereens.
This caused Offenheimer (below) to erupt in fury, castigating those "God-damn Commie limey apes" before making a beeline for the office of David Alsatian.
After 10 minutes of what Alsatian described as "Grade-A swearing peppered with frequent bouts of table-bashing and violent fist waving" the esteemed director proceeded to pull down his ample underpants and "wipe his ass" with the contract he had signed just hours earlier.
The entire production team then upped camp and headed straight back to the airport so Offenheimer could return to a country that gives his "monumental talent" the "respect it deserves".
To prove that he is as petty as he is misguidedly proud, Offenheimer has now called in Narcanon's lawyers and demanded $12m in compensation.
The future of the park will be under threat if Narcanon are successful in their lawsuit but Rhesus Park CEO David Alsatian is far from fazed.
He said: "I'm sending our envoy Clemente Kurva over to the States in person to see if he can thrash out a settlement.
"Offenheimer has agreed to meet him alone at his Texan ranch and I'm sure after a few minutes in Clemente's company, he will realise the folly of making such wanton threats against Rhesus Park."
Open Arms for Sad Cuddles
May 4, 2015 Rhesus Park has offered sanctuary to orphaned monkey Cuddles following the tragic death of his owner Keith Harris.
Ventriloquist Harris, who sadly passed away last month aged just 67, was a regular visitor to Rhesus Park and performed here countless times, enchanting both children and adults alike with his infectious brand of clean-cut entertainment.
It is only fitting, therefore, that we should step in and provide a home for Cuddles, who has always been regarded as an unofficial member of the Rhesus Park family.
Chief executive David Alsatian, who is locked in talks with the Harris estate, said: “It’s the least we can do after all the hours of entertainment that Keith, Cuddles and Orville have provided us with over the years.
“Unfortunately, we won’t be able to extend the same offer to Orville as he always behaved like a bit of diva when he came here and rubbed the monkeys and keepers up the wrong way.”
That claim was backed up by head keeper Clemente Kurva, who said: “Cuddles is a true gentleman, one of a kind. Orville, on the other hand, is a bit of a ****.
“As much as I’d love to welcome Cuddles here with open arms, if they come as a package then the deal is off.”
It's not the first time Rhesus Park has stepped in to comfort the grieving simians of the rich and famous as we were also there to support Bubbles, pictured left, following the loss of Michael Jackson in 2009.
And the best part about Rhesus Park’s generous offer is that Cuddles can even stay in showbusiness as keeper Hertz van Rentaal is keen to use him as part of his magic act.
The Dutchman said: “Sadly, Keith and Cuddles weren’t shown on TV back home when I was growing up but I’ve been watching YouTube videos ever since I heard about Keith’s sad death.
“That monkey knows how to work a crowd and I would love to team up with him to do some magic. This is the kind of break I need. With Cuddles on board, I could be performing at the Royal Variety Performance within a year. Sharing a stage with Bradley Walsh, McFly and Cilla Black would be a dream come true.”