Ruff justice for celebrity dogger Paul
August 31, 2014: In light of recent revelations in the gutter press, Rhesus Park regrets to announce that Paul Ross will no longer be the guest of honour at our autumn Family Fun Day.
While we appreciate that every individual is entitled to their own sexual peccadilloes, the double whammy of homosexual dogging and substance abuse has exceeded even our liberal boundaries.
In retrospect, alarm bells should maybe have started to ring when Mr Ross showed an unusual interest in the Rhesus Park car park (pictured right) during our negotiations and asked if he could visit under the cover of darkness with some "friends".
We wish Mr Ross all the best as he tries to rebuild his shattered career and express our sincerest hope that the series where he reads scary stories from a big chair eventually returns to our screens.
Rhesus Park will now push ahead with finding a new celebrity to lead our annual festival of frivolity and feelers have already been put out to the agents of Michael Barrymore, Angus Deayton and Jamie Theakston.
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iPhone cloud shroud controversy
Octoberr 8, 2014: Rhesus Park has issued a passionate defence of its controversial marketing campaign after it was branded “appalling”, “gauche” and “filthy”.
As part of Rhesus Park’s new commercial link up with communications behemoth Apple, a three-minute clip of our chimpanzee Alfred pleasuring himself during a lazy summer afternoon has been uploaded on to every UK iPhone connected to their Cloud service.
But while many consumers found this stunt amusing and shared a laugh while travelling on public transport to their daily duty as corporate slaves (pictured right), others were left in fits of apoplectic rage.
Popular iPhone users website Fools’ Gold was awash with complaints, the most pathetic being: “Steve Jobs will be spinning in his grave. I can’t believe his wonderful invention, which has brought greater good to mankind than any other creation, is being used for such base filth. Shame on you Apple and Rhesus Park.”
Others took their complaints to more familiar forums of hysterical over-reaction, with the Daily Mail devoting their entire letters page to “Cyber Britain’s New Nadir”. After one reader, Cyril Babington from Lyme Regis (pictured below, compiling his letter), compared Rhesus Park CEO David Alsatian to the “kind of seedy pornographer one usually finds strutting around deepest, darkest Soho”, we have decided we can no longer sit back and accept such spiteful abuse.
In a statement CEO David Alsatian said: “If Bono can get away with uploading the product of his latest stab at musical masturbation on to every iPhone, then why should we not be allowed to show the real thing in all its natural beauty?
“What you see in that clip is what every visitor to any zoo longs to witness in their heart of heats when they pass through the gates. It’s humour in its purest form. You’ve Been Framed is screened as prime time family entertainment yet last week it featured an uncensored clip of an orang-utan drinking his own urine.
“If society deems simian golden showers acceptable then how can watching Alfred have a swift one at the wrist be a ‘new nadir’ for Cyber Britain?”
To follow up our Apple marketing campaign, Rhesus Park will soon be releasing its own app. For just £4.99 you can watch our simians indulge in more sexual acts. Keep an eye on the App Store for further details.
Deadline-day drama at Rhesus Park
September 2, 2014: Rhesus Park Director of Monkey Filatio Kremlinburger silenced his critics last night by making a series of stunning moves on simian transfer deadline day.
Kremlinburger blew the park’s rivals out of the water with several daring swoops, the most notable of which was a £2million bid for London Zoo’s cherished silverback gorilla, Marley (pictured right).
The mighty 35-year-old, who has sired an astonishing 25 children, was viewed as one of London Zoo’s crown jewels but they were powerless to stop Rhesus Park spiriting Marley away.
London Zoo CEO Horatio Hornpipe said: “If people are stupid enough to pay monopoly money for a beast who is set to be violently usurped by the most aggressive of his sons then who are we to stand in their way? “
Kremlinburger followed up the capture of one of the UK’s most famous simians by raiding the foreign market, landing three marmosets on a season-long loan from his former employers at Kazan Ape Emporium.
The Rhesus Park director of monkey said: “These lads are born entertainers but I’m still a little unsure how they will adapt to the UK. It takes time to settle and it’s hard to turn on the style on a wet and windy afternoon in Shropshire. We’ll see how they get on. There’s an option to make the move permanent at the end of the year."
Further loan deals were struck for Boston Monkey Sanctuary’s two-year-old chimpanzee Bazooka and Islamabad Zoo’s veteran orangutan Ismael.
Kremlinburger was keen to strengthen Rhesus Park’s ranks even further and sanctioned a £450,000 move for a troupe of Mancurhian macaques. But the deal suffered a hitch when custom officials at Gatwick Airport impounded the animals just two hours before the midnight international transfer deadline.
The irate Russian headed straight to the airport and gave custom officials both barrels (pictured left) but the macaques weren’t released in time to complete a medical before the deadline.
Kremlinburger said: “The ineptitude of these jumped-up little Hitlers never ceases to amaze me. I tried to sort this out the Russian way by slipping them a brown envelope but they had the temerity to threaten me with arrest, as if I was the one doing something wrong.
“The macaques are still officially Rhesus Park property but we might have to wait until the January transfer window opens before we can register them officially.”
September 1, 2014: Rhesus Park has thrown its backing behind the Shropshire Bake Off by donating two masterpieces from our orangutan art project.
The works were created by our most gifted primate painters, 14-year-old male Amsterdam and four-year-old female Hanoi (both pictured right).
Amsterdam’s thoughtful piece portrays a daily scene at Rhesus Park and features his muse, beloved mate and confidant Brazzaville.
The second painting is more abstract, reflecting Hanoi’s relative lack of experience and love of modern art.
But head keeper Clemente Kurva, though, believes it may be a representation of the recent 100m final at the Commonwealth Games, given the riot of colours and the swift movement of the strokes.
CEO David Alsatian is delighted to donate the paintings to the Shropshire Bake Off after learning they were looking for raffle prizes via Twitter.
He said: “This marks the high point of our orangutan art project. Many people branded me a dreamer on the first day we brought the paints in, especially when the primates used the easels and brushes to violently chastise each other.
“But the patience we showed soon paid off and the progress made since then more than justifies the £50,000 outlay on equipment and lessons from some of the art world’s finest teachers.”
To donate to the Shropshire Bake Off, please visit http://www.shropshirebakeoff.co.uk.
40-day review unveiled
August 20, 2014: Rhesus Park has today issued the following summary of the 40-day Business Review conducted by Director of Monkey Filatio Kremlinburger..
This release summarises the findings of the Review and outlines the Director of Monkey's future strategy to rebuild and reposition Rheus Park at the top of English Zoo-based entertainment and to allow Rhesus Park to compete in Europe.
A Strategic Plan has been developed which is based upon delivery in the following five key areas to rebuild and refocus Rhesus Park's in a measured and progressive manner:
1 Developing Monkey Performance and Capability
2 Focus on Simian Asset Management and Youth Development
3 Re-connecting effectively to our Local and Global Fan Base
4 Developing Best in Class Commercial and Operational Capability
5 Strengthening Commitment to our Communities
Season-ticket holders and shareholders have been sent a full copy of the report for their perusal. To request a personal copy at the discounted price of £35.99 email Filatio Krelimburger on firstname.lastname@example.org
Paul the fun of the fair
August 10, 2014: Rhesus Park is delighted to announce that This Morning star Paul Ross has agreed to host our annual Family Fun Day.
The former Big Breakfast presenter, 58, has managed to find time in his busy schedule for one of the biggest days in the Shropshire social calendar.
And Paul, pictured below in his master of ceremonies costume,, will cherish every minute of the special day.
“I can’t wait to spearhead a day of clean, honest fun,” Ross told Rhesus Park.com. “I’ve had a look at the programme of activities and you are all in for a treat.”
Rhesus Park CEO David Alsatian believes Ross will bring “an avuncular level of gravitas” to proceedings, adding: “As a father of five, Paul is the ideal man for our Family Fun Day. Although we would have preferred his more famous brother Jonathon, he sadly doesn’t get out of bed for anything less than £100,000.”
Tickets are still available for the showpiece occasion on October 5, although the price has been raised to £15 for adults and £10 for kids now that we have a genuine celebrity on board and not just some fringe player from Shrewsbury Town as usual.