Feb-Mar 2015

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Feb-Mar 2015

Rhesus Park's Simian Top 50

March 2, 2015 Rhesus Park has underlined its status as the most progressive and imaginative animal attraction in the UK by embarking on a unique project to discover what simians rate as the 50 greatest monkey-related songs of all time.


This groundbreaking scheme is the brainchild of gibbon keeper Hertz van Rentaal, whose passion for music burns every bit as brightly as his love for magic. Since Rhesus Park adopted a policy of playing only monkey-related music last year, Hertz has noticed a significant change in the behaviour of his gibbons when certain tracks blare out over our state-of-the-art sound system.


The Dutchman (pictured left during one of his fire-swallowing acts) explained: “These dudes really dig funk, soul and ska, which is hardly surprising given their high-energy existence. They are a lot happier when funky tunes come on but you can see them getting pissed off when some guy with an acoustic guitar comes and starts wailing about his lost love.


“That got me to thinking about the rest of the monkeys in Rhesus Park. Would a bonobo or gorilla also be into the up-tempo stuff or would they rather kick back and chill out a bit?”


After sharing these thoughts with chief executive David Alsatian, the young keeper has now been given the green light to start painting a park-wide picture of musical tastes. Van Rentaal can’t to begin his pioneering work and has devised an ingenious Overall Simian Happiness index to give each song a rating out of 100.


He said: “When you are doing work as important and unique as this, it’s crucial that things are a scientific as possible. My OSH index will be calculated using mind probes, reports from renowned animal behaviour experts and the old clapometer from Opportunity Knocks, which I recently picked up at a BBC auction.


“We will test all the tracks with every species at Rhesus Park then come up with an OSH. I can’t wait to see which song the monkeys pick as the greatest ever. I hope it’s something from the first Gorrilaz album as that’s one of my favourites.


“But there are so many other great subplots to be resolved in our Simian Top 50. Will our monkeys pick the original version of I’m A Believer ahead of the one by Reeves and Mortimer? Who will win the Sheffield derby - Arctic Monkeys or Monkey Swallows The Universe? Is it just pretentious idiots who like jazz or do simians dig it as well?”


All these questions and many others will be resolved when Hertz completes his work. Let us know what song you would like to see come out on top by emailing rhesuspark@gmail.com with the subject “Simian Top 50”.


Question Crime at the Beeb

February 28, 2015 Rhesus Park chief executive David Alsatian last night launched a scathing attack on the BBC, accusing them of “shameless censorship” after he was repeatedly ignored in the Question Time audience.


With David Dimbleby and Co rolling into Shropshire at the Oakengates Theatre in Telford, it gave Alsatian the perfect chance to shine a light on an odious UKIP policy that has thus far been ignored by the mass media, their plan to repatriate zoo animals.


But despite several attempts to quiz the panel, Dimbleby and his producers snubbed both Alsatian and head keeper Clemente Kurva, enraging the Rhesus Park chief.


Alsatian said: “Thanks to my old flame Sue Lawley, I managed to secure tickets for both myself and Clemente, doubling our chances of highlighting what I consider to be one of UKIP’s most shameful policies.


“This policy, if enforced when Farage and Co prop up the Tories in the next omnishambles of a coalition, will ruin Rhesus Park and other animal attractions. But thanks to the shameless censorship of the BBC, the rest of the UK remains ignorant of this grave danger to one of the nation’s greatest pleasures - popping down the zoo to see how other species copulate.”


Alsatian then hinted that the Beeb might be part of a “grand conspiracy” with other broadcasters to keep families imprisoned in their home, captive slaves to the googglebox,


He said: “Just think about it for a minute. If all the foreign zoo animals are sent home then what are we left with? Just a pathetic collection of farmyard beasts and stray cats with white paint on their backs masquerading as skunks. Who in their right mind would pay £5 to come and watch that?


“There’s only one explanation for the BBC and other broadcasters ignoring this disgraceful UKIP policy. They clearly don’t want families to venture outdoors on weekends and holidays and just want them to rot in front of their tellies watching the latest effluent that passes as entertainment.”


When contacted by rhesuspark.com, a source close to the Question Time production team dismissed Alsatian’s claims as the “ramblings of a deranged fantasist”.


They added: “There were 150 people in the Telford audience and it would have gone on all night if each of them had got to ask a question.


“Furthermore, the two gentlemen you mentioned had been an unruly element all night, spending most of their time composing filthy limericks about our panellist Tessa Munt. Had we allowed them to speak we would have run the risk of eliciting the greatest number of viewer complaints since that caller asked Five Star why they were so ‘f***ing crap’ on Going Live in 1989.”


Charlie joins the A-list set

February 25, 2015 Rhesus Park renegade Charlie the chimpanzee has pulled off his most daring stunt yet, by gate-crashing the Oscars and Brit Awards.


All eyes were on the Hollywood elite when their annual back-slapping exercise clicked into top gear and Charlie was there to witness this symphony of sycophancy in all its vomit-inducing glory.


Eagled eyed viewers first spotted Charlie perving Scarlett Johansson on the sly while the screen siren’s attention was being diverted by the lecherous presence of an oversexed John Travolta (pictured right)..


Having set the bar impossibly high, the cheeky chimp then decided to downgrade with his next piece of lechery and switched his attention to Reese Witherspoon, popping up in the background while she took a selfie (pictured left).


Emboldened by the success of this venture, and several lines of cocaine from his namesake Mr Sheen if some eye-witnesses are to be believed, Charlie took to the stage in a bid to gain worldwide fame. Unfortunately for him, though, he timed this bold move at the same time Dougie Howser was shamelessly stripping down to his kecks (pictured right), thereby ensuring his own presence went relatively unnoticed.


This didn’t seem to ruin Charlie’s night though and after all the awards were dished out he partied long into the night with some genuine A-listers (pictured below), including venerable veteran Robert Duvall, star of that masterful epic A Shot At Glory and lesser films such as the Godather trilogy.


Quite how Charlie managed to secure both a passage to America and a ticket to the Oscars remains a mystery, although rhesuspark.com has heard rumours he was part of Elton John’s entourage after the singer spotted Charlie’s on-line dating profile.


This theory gained further credence just days later when Charlie was spotted back in the UK at the Brit Awards, another glitzy event that fitted into Sir Elton’s social schedule. Having brought so much attention on himself with his Oscars antics, one would have thought Charlie would keep a low profile, limiting himself to just a few autographs and maybe a cheeky grope of Paloma Faith.


The mischievous monkey had other ideas, though, and sparked a global storm by running on stage to pull Madonna’s cape, causing the stunned pensioner to topple down the stairs like the owner of a rogue Stannah stairlift (pictured right).


He then ran off into the night and went back of the radar, dashing Rhesus Park’s hopes of catching Charlie and bringing him back home. But chief executive David Alsatian remains confident that the rogue simian won’t be at large much longer.


He said: “Charlie is becoming ever more reckless, turning up at some of the most high-profile events you could imagine. I’m a regular at these black-tie events so it won’t be long before our paths cross. I hope it’s at the BBC Sports Personality of the Year award because it’s going to be a long dreary night otherwise.”




It's time for some Shrop lifting

February 22, 2015 It has now been well over a year since that glorious night in Las Vegas when head keeper Clemente Kurva collected Rhesus Park’s prize for best outdoor scene at the Adult Movie Awards.


For a business as decorated as ours when it comes to local and global recognition, that is far too long a time to go without picking up some silverware. Shamefully overlooked for nominations ahead of the forthcoming Oscar ceremony and the Brit Awards, Rhesus Park will now seek to add to its bulging trophy cabinet at the 2015 Shropshire Business Awards.


Nominations are open for the region’s brightest and best to enjoy a night in the limelight and chief executive David Alsatian is confident Rhesus Park will walk away with one of the prestigious awards at the Telford International Centre on June 25.


He said: “If there’s any justice in the world then surely we will get the recognition we so richly deserve. I’ve already started writing an emotional acceptance speech and booked two tables at a cost of £1500. We’ll be bringing staff, keepers, some chimps, a couple of macaques and one lucky Rhesus Park customer.


“We have a stockpile of smoky bacon crisps that will pass their sell-by date in June so I will put a golden ticket inside one of the packets that will land the recipient a place at the hottest social event on the Shropshire social scene. Happy hunting folks. Snap up those smoky bacon crisps today.”


For more information about the Business Awards visit http://www.shropshirebusinessawards.co.uk/



Shed-loads of fun for baboons

February 20, 2015 Rhesus Park's baboons have kindly donated their prized mayoral chain to podcast japesters Ahh Gee Productions after learning about the What's In The Shed section of what will surely become an award-winning show before long.


The mayoral chain has been displayed in the baboon enclosure since Martin Felttippen, the late mayor of Shrewsbury, fatally decided he wanted a close-up photo with 'the reddest arse I've ever seen' after drinking some imported Czech firewater from the stash of our head keeper Clemente Kurva.


It is viewed as a symbol of the baboons' power in the inter-simian politics of Rhesus Park so it speaks volumes of their respect for the boys at Ahh Gee Prod that they have agreed to let it reside in their shed, albeit on the proviso that it will one day be returned to its rightful place.


Rhesus Park chief executive David Alsatian said: "I would like to thank the baboons for making this incredible gesture. I would also like to express my gratitude to the gentlemen at Ahh Gee Prod for accepting the chain into their shed. I'm aware that Pat Sharp was also granted entry to the hed so I appreciate the bar was set very high and I'm happy we have joined such esteemed company.


"I rate Mr Sharp and his good friend Mick Brown as one of our finest musical partnerships, right up there with Lennon and McCartney, Page and Plant, and Heaton and Hemmingway. So to have Rhesus Park mentioned in the same breath is a great honour."


To listen to our appearance on the podcast please visit http://ahhgeeproductions.com/valentines-surprises-the-perfect-dating-profile-and-a-bad-pilot-ahhgee-podcast-series-2-episode-2/