Feb-May 2014
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Feb-May 2014

Rhesus Park backs Scottish Independence

May 11, 2014: Following the recent decision of many large corporations to speak out against Scottish Independence, it seems only fair that Rhesus Park should let patrons know where it stands on the issue of the forthcoming referendum.

 

In a statement, CEO David Alsatian said: "As a distant relative of the esteemed Sheepshanks, you would assume I would be wholeheartedly in support of crushing this latest band of rebellious Scots. Nothing, however, could be further from the truth.

 

"Rhesus Park would today like to throw its complete backing behind the Yes campaign. Our latest attendance figures have revealed that Scots make up around 30 per cent of our annual visitors. Given that we charge foreign nationals a 10 per cent subcharge, it would be a massive boon for finances if you proud people choose to go it alone. To use the patois of those who will vote in the referendum: 'Gaun yersel, Mr Salmond.'"

Charlie's Year on the Lam

May 1, 2014: It has now been a year since Charlie the Chimp made his daring escape from Rhesus Park and darted off into the Shropshire countryside. No one at the park will ever forget that fateful day when Charlie violently assaulted keeper Horatio Christchurch at morning feeding and headbutted an innocent cafeteria worker before clambering over the rear wall and into freedom. Despite the best attemptsof Rhesus Park staff, animal welfare, charities and the police, Charlie has remained at large for the past year, with tales of his epic journey gaining legendary status.

 

Six month ago, we launched our “Where's Charlie?” appeal on the Rhesus Park website, asking members of the public to keep us updated on sightings of the renegade simian. The response has been amazing but Charlie still manages to elude us.

 

On the first anniversary of his disappearance, Rhesus Park CEO David Alsatian is now redoubling his efforts to find Charlie and wants to bring him back home. “Having wasted several thousands of pounds on mercenaries and soldiers of fortune, it’s now time for a change of tact,” Alsatian said. “After consultation with Horatio’s wido, we now hold the view that a revenge killing would only bring further pain to everyone involved. We’d like to tell Charlie that everyone here forgives him and he’s now welcome back. If any

do-gooders out there are sheltering the simian, I can assure them no harm will come to Charlie. Anyone handing over the animal will get a voucher offering 10 per cent discount on the car park (off-season).”

 

Do you know where Charlie could be hiding? Drop us an email at

rhesuspark@gmail.com or visit the Where's Charlie? page.

 

Mr Lionel Pedersen

April 28, 2014: A most grevious error was made in our latest newsletter to Rhesus Park members. In a section about monkey adoption, we claimed the new sponsor of Tenko the macaque was a certain "Lionel Pederast of Winstanley". This of course should have read "Lionel Pedersen of Winstanley". We apologise unreservedly to Mr Pedersen for any distress caused and hope both he and his scout pack will still be regular visitors.

Furry Tears Conference

March 29, 2014:Rhesus Park is delighted to announce that CEO David Alsatian will once again be attending the Annual Exploitation of Animals conference.This gala event, which is known in the trade as the Furry Tears Conference, is now in its 25th year and attracts delegates from zoos, safari parks, television shows and the catering industry.

 

Hosting duties fall to Islamabad this year and Mr Alsatian can't wait to take part in what he describes as the"highlight of my working year". He said: "It's going to take some effort to top last year's extravganza in Krasnodar but I'm sure the organisers will pull another rabbit out of the hat.

 

"I'm looking forward to hooking up with some old pals and learning a few tricks that can liven up Rhesus Park and give us more bang for our buck."

Rhesus Park v The Shropshire Chronicle

February 14, 2014:Rhesus Park has initiated legal proceedings against the Shropshire Chronicle over the scandalous front-page story in last week’s paper.

 

Under the headline of “Monkey DNA found in frozen supermarket burgers” they then added the libellous allegation “Finger of suspicion points at Rhesus Park” and a ridiculous graphic of a devil burger attacking people (pictured left) which looked like it had been lazily knocked up by a 12-year-old who was messing about with his dad's copy of Photoshop.

 

While many people rightly dismiss the Shropshire Chronicle as merely “tomorrow’s fish and chip paper”, we simply cannot stand back and allow them to make such unsubstantiated allegations.

 

Rhesus Park CEO David Alsatian hit back over their article and said: This is typical of the guttersnipe journalism that is plaguing this county.

 

“We categorically deny that our simian cadavers are sold on to slaughterhouses once our residents ascend to monkey heaven. We are also sickened by the allegation that healthy monkeys are murdered for the same purpose to fill a ‘black hole’ in the park’s finances due to declining visitor numbers.

 

“I’d like to settle our differences with the Chronicle in a bare-knuckle boxing match with the editor at a barn on my family estate but he’s too cowardly to sort this out like men. We are therefore left with no option but to go to court.”