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Kremlinburger joins Red army
January 7, 2015 Disgraced Rhesus Park director of monkey Filatio Kremlinburger has resurfaced back in his homeland – after joining the Russian army.
The Muscovite was axed by furious CEO David Alsatian back in October after blowing over £2million in disastrous dealings on simian transfer deadline day.
After previous ill-fated spells with Mini Disc, Ratners, Barings Bank and Woolworths, it was assumed Kremlinburger would remain in business administration, with a role on the board at Rangers rumoured to be in the offing.
But he has returned to Russia instead and taken the brave step of enlisting in the Red Army. Rhesus Park.com managed to contact Kremlinburger as he headed off by motorcycle (pictured above) for his first posting in war-torn Crimea and the 45-year-old appeared reinvigorated, despite the dangers ahead.
When asked about the dramatic change of career, Kremlinburger joked: “It’s not actually that different. I worked under a tyrannical dictator at Rhesus Park (CEO David Alsatian) and now Vladimir Putin is my boss.
“Listen, I know plenty of you Brits would be quaking in your boots about coming under fire as we try to put those Ukrainians in their place. But I’m a Russian, a real man, and nothing fazes me. Give me a rifle and glass of vodka and I’ll do my duty.”
Hogmanay hangover kicks in
January 6, 2015 Rhesus Park has been left nursing a mighty Hogmanay hangover after our primates brought in 2015 by going on an alcohol-fuelled rampage.
As is tradition, the park closed from December 31 until January 6 to give our hard-working staff some respite after the Christmas rush. But when workers returned on Tuesday morning they were met by scenes of utter devastation after drunken apes laid waste to the park.
CEO David Alsatian immediately ordered an inquest and after sifting through hours of CCTV footage, a clearer picture has now emerged through the drunken haze.The blame can be traced back to gibbon keeper Hertz van Rentaal, who left the keys to his enclosure hanging from the lock while rushing off for a night of revelry in Shrewsbury city centre.
It took the quick-witted gibbons just five minutes to secure their release and within an hour they had worked out that another of the keys gained entrance to the staff room. CCTV footage then shows the gibbons emerging from the staff room with a vast quantity of alcohol, having discovered the secret stash of head keeper Clemente Kurva. Proving that gibbons are amongst the most benevolent of simians, the rogue monkeys dished out drink to every other species inside Rhesus Park, sparking a night of drinking and debauchery not seen in Shropshire since Shrewsbury Town’s Conference play-off triumph in 2004.
Every enclosure was vandalised by the pissed-up primates while brutal beatings, rape and murder increased tenfold during 48 hours of total chaos. To make matters worse, when hangovers finally lifted on New Year’s Day, the monkeys twigged that Hertz’s keys could also open other enclosures and the front gates.
Miraculously, only two baboons decided to make a break for it and they were eventually spotted two days later on the streets of Glasgow, hanging out with a vagrant in Possil (pictured right).
The rest of the monkeys decided they were having too much fun at Rhesus Park to leave and the party carried on when local drunkards descended on the park to join the festivities. They were still there rasing hell at 6am on January 6 (pictured below) when Clemente Kurva became the first staff member to arrive for duty after the holiday break.
The enraged Czech said: “I knew straight away what had happened when I spotted some gorillas passing round my bottle of Absinthe.Thankfully, I was the first one on the scene and I soon managed to get all the scare all the escaped monkeys back into their enclosures.
“It was then just a matter of picking up all the monkeys who had passed out in piles of their own vomit. All that remained was kicking out the drunks who had joined the party and that was child’s play for a man of my abilities.”
Kurva then added that errant gibbon keeper van Rentaal was next in line for a “boot up the arse”, a fact confirmed by CEO David Alsatian.
He said: “Early estimates place the cost at around £250,000 and that doesn’t even include rescuing the two baboons from Glasgow. Hertz better hope that his magic act includes simian teleportation because the cost of a courier will be coming out of his wages.”
Psychic horse clears baboons
January 4, 2015 Rhesus Park’s baboons have been cleared of a brutal murder – by a psychic horse on Twitter.
The finger of suspicion pointed firmly at alpha male Zacharias and his cronies after cleaner Greg O’Hare mysteriously disappeared two years ago. O’Hare vanished following his night shift at Rhesus Park on November 11, 2012 and was last sighted heading into the baboon enclosure by CEO David Alsatian.
When Alsatian returned the following morning the baboons were unusually defensive of their territory, refusing to allow him to enter their enclosure. Keepers were also repelled by acts of intense aggression and the baboons had to be fed by catapult for the next month, increasing suspicions that O’Hare’s mutilated corpse was rotting inside the enclosure.
The cleaner was a social misfit and had no immediate family in the Shrewsbury area so he was never officially reported missing. But a deep sense of guilt has gnawed away at our CEO and last week he enlisted the help of famous mystic Texas Psychic Horse to get to the bottom of the case.
Alsatian tweeted Texas Psychic Horse (pictured right) and asked him to read the mind of top baboon Zacharias and was alarmed when the mystic replied: “He mentions someone named Greg.. Something to do with a mop?”
When Alsatian then relayed news of cleaner O’Hare’s disappearance he feared the worst but his mind was soon put at ease by the horse’s next reply. He said: “There are things Greg saw that can never be unseen. But he is alive and well, residing in Coventry with two cats.”
A quick check of the Coventry phone book confirmed that a Greg O’Hare was indeed residing in Lady Godiver’s fair city, lifting a massive weight off Alsatian’s shoulders.
The CEO said: “After Black Wednesday and the sad death of our former mayor, I feared more blood would be on Rhesus Park hands. I’d like to thank Texas Psychic Horse for helping to find Greg and ending two years of emotional turmoil for me.”
If you need to find out what your animal is thinking then tweet @TexasPsychicHorse today.
Packham backs otter campaign
January 1, 2015 TV star Chris Packham has thrown his weight behind Rhesus Park’s controversial “anti-otter” advertising campaign.
Pressure group You Oughta Get An Otter reacted with fury when park chief revealed their “Otters Are Evil, Monkeys Are Cool” posters (pictured right) last month
They claimed the distinctive ads “demonised” otters and insisted there was no “factual basis” for such a claim.
But Rhesus Park CEO David Alsatian stood by the campaign, insisting the claim had been made after wading through countless reports into animal psychology.
And he was vindicated when Springwatch anchorman Packham backed our assertion when contacted via Twitter. When asked if he could verify our ad, Packham replied: “You’ve really hit the mark with that one . You could have added that they smell of fish too.”
Rhesus Park has now demanded a full and forthright apology from You Oughta Get An Otter.