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Kremlinburger's army shame
February 6, 2015 Shamed Rhesus Park director of monkey Filatio Kremlinburger has been dishonourably discharged from the Russian Army – just weeks after signing up.
Last month, we revealed how Kremlinburger had resurfaced back in his motherland following his acrimonious departure from Rhesus Park.
The Muscovite spoke passionately about his new life on the front line and appeared unfazed by a daunting maiden deployment in war-torn Crimea, insisting it was no sweat for a man of such unbridled masculinity.
It now appears such talk was shameless bravado as the grim reality of life as Red Army footsoldier turned Kremlinburger into what his commanding officer later deemed “a broken, slobbering wreck of a man”.
Cracks began to show as early as his first week of basic training when the simple task of killing a squirrel in the Murmansk woods elicited such a sense of guilt in Kremlinburger that he went on a four-day vodka bender (pictured right).
Given that rampant alcoholism was rife in the ranks, this misdemeanour failed to end his short spell as a soldier, indeed many ranking officers simply viewed it as an initiation ceremony.
However, things soon began falling apart when Kremlinburger was first pressed into active service during a skirmish with Ukrainian rebels. He was caught hiding in a dilapidated outhouse just 5 minutes into the fire fight, endlessly repeating the rosary as he clung on to the toy gorilla he had stolen from our gift shop.
Had Kremlinburger not told the commanding officer to do unseemly things to his mother with a cucumber when ordered to go back into battle, it’s possible a court martial may not have followed.
History will record, however, that he couldn’t resist such a barbarous insult and within a matter of days his time in the Russian Army drew to an infamous close.
The military judge in charge of the court martial, Valentin Karpin (pictured left), summed up the case perfectly as he pinpointed the charcterisitcs Filatio displayed in his brief stay at Rhesus Park.
Karpin, who combines his army role with working as a mime, said: “If the ranks of the Red Army had been filled with men of such low moral fibre during The Great Patriotic War then we would all be wearing lederhosen and eating bratwurst.”
Poxy bit of luck for Horatio
February 2, 2015 Rhesus Park macaque Horatio was left heartbroken on simian transfer deadline day when his proposed big-money move to London Zoo collapsed at the last minute.
Horatio, who has been the star attraction at Rhesus Park since taking on alpha male status in 2009, looked set for a dream switch to the big smoke when CEO David Alsatian accepted London’s £250,000 offer.
But just a Horatio was dreaming of cocaine fuelled-nights at China White and Les Miserable matinees at the Queen’s Theatre, the rug was cruelly swiped from under his feet.
London Zoo requires all new arrivals to undergo a strict medical (pictured right) before any transfers are sealed and despite seeming in tip-top health, Horatio was snubbed when blood tests (below) confirmed a case of syphilis.
Rhesus Park CEO David Alsatian said: “While we didn’t need the money after our partnership with Sports Direct, we won’t stand in any simian’s way if they want to move on to a bigger animal park on better money or more lavish perks.
“There’s only one attraction that I deem bigger than Rhesus Park and that’s London Zoo so it would have been selfish of me to stand in Horatio’s way. He has his career to think of and a large family to feed.
“The lad was really looking forward to testing himself in the capital and seeing if he could amuse foreign tourists with his urine-drinking signature move. So it was heartbreaking to see him come home with his tail between his legs, scratching his genitals rigorously.
“While I’m disappointed for Horatio, the plus side is we will be holding on to our best macaque, although the medical results do mean I have to shell out a fortune on treating a whole troop of monkeys with the pox. Why did it have to be the alpha male? He’s had a pop at almost everybody in that enclosure, including our poor keeper.”
Salvatore named Golden Rat
January 29, 2015 Rhesus Park lemur keeper Salvatore Knuckles Pardesi is celebrating after being named Witness of the Month by the Italian government.
The former mafia enforcer arrived in Shropshire back in 1993 as part of a witness protection programme after ratting out his Cosa Nostra colleagues.
He has slowly managed to rebuild his life under the name Winston Jones and the Italian authorities have now finally recognised his achievements by handing him the prestigious Ratto D'oro (pictured right) award for February.
Giancarlo Tortelli (below), head of the anti-mafia unit in Italy, said: “Competition for the Ratto D’oro was fierce this month, with several outstanding candidates.
“But we feel it’s time Salvatore receives recognition for his work in helping to bring down the filthy empire of his Godfather Toto Intolerencia.
“To show our gratitude, I will turn up at his house on 23 Fireston Lane, Shrewsbury, at 3pm on Valentine’s Day to present the award in person. If any press or TV crews want to attend then please call Salvatore first on his mobile phone, 07903 306 774.
“However, we value the safety of our witness so highly that we must ask for Salvatore’s face to be blacked out in any published photo. We don’t want to give the mafia hitmen any clues as to his whereabouts.”
Pardesi refused to comment when contacted but chief executive David Alsatian said: “This is a great honour and we will welcome our Italian dignitaries with open arms.
“To make them feel at home, I’m organising a Bunga Bunga party at my house. I can assure them that what happens in Shrewsbury stays in Shrewsbury.”
Cheeky Charlie looking for love
January 24, 2015 The search for renegade Rhesus Park chimp Charlie has taken a seedy turn with the discovery that he is looking for love on popular dating site Zoosk.
Charlie has stuck two fingers up to our chief executive David Alsatian by flaunting his status as an escapee, telling potential lovers that he’s a “lone wolf” roaming the UK after a “disagreement with my old employers”.
The rogue simian also claims to be seeking a partner “who wants to keep me company and experience the thrills of exploring this beautiful country”.
At first, Alsatian believed the page to be a hoax and pointed the finger of blame at the malevolent trainer who stands accused of degrading Charlie by hiring him out for a One Direction video – the ultimate humiliation for any self-respecting animal.
But he now believes Charlie has escaped his evil clutches and is back on the streets after the dating profile claimed his ideal date would be “watching the sun set over a babbling brook while we share a bunch of bananas”.
Alsatian said: “Anyone who knows Charlie would realise that’s exactly his idea of romance. He regularly enjoyed such a pleasure with many a chimp at Rhesus Park before engaging in violent sodomy.
“But Charlie was a bisexual in the simian world so I was surprised to learn from his dating profile that he is looking for man love only. Maybe most of the females he has encountered in our species are just a tad too shallow for his liking.
“From the reported sightings we have received, it seems Charlie has spent a lot of time in the Essex area so such a hypothesis could be true.
“If any gentlemen users of Zoosk are tempted by Charlie’s offer of exploring this beautiful country, we would urge them to talk him into coming home. Anyone who secures the safe return of our beloved chimp would receive a 10 per cent discount on season tickets and a free go on our Banana Splits fairground ride.”