Jul 2014

Now it's radio Rentaal

July 9, 2014: Rhesus Park keeper Hertz van Rentaal is celebrating after landing a dream acting role on popular BBC radio drama The Archers.

 

The Dutchman, who takes care of the Rhesus Park gibbons, has been trying to break into the showbiz world for years and the part-time magician hopes the new role will boost his public profile.

 

Van Rentaal will play Bobby de Boer, a controversial new character who pitches up in Ambridge while on the run from Interpol for drug-related crimes in his native Holland.

 

Hertz told Rhesus Park.com: “Bobby is bad to the bone. I’ve seen my scripts for the first two weeks and it’s one hell of a rap sheet. He seduces Brian Aldridge in week one then blackmails him to stop the dirty secret coming out.

 

“But Bobby is just getting started and he goes on to viciously assault Peggy Wooley when she brands him an “asylum seeker” at the church coffee morning. He then gets Lily Pargetter pregnant after lacing her Diet Coke with ruffies and forces her to have an abortion before bidding the village farewell by beheading Mike Tucker and carrying his severed head around on a spike.”

 

Hertz will be given extended leave while making his brief, albeit spectacular, debut as a radio actor. Rhesus Park CEO David Alsatian said: “Fair play to the boy. I thought the closest he would ever get to the tranny was working here with Clementine Rough.”

 

 

July 2014

Kremlinburger faced with threat of civil war

July 31, 2014: Director of Monkey Filatio Kremlinburger has promised to deliver his 40-day review soon, following threats of a season-ticket boycott from Rhesus Park regulars.

 

The Muscovite, a controversial choice for the new role, has come under pressure after damaging leaks from an unnamed insider led to a series of scare stories in the local media.

 

Some unhappy regulars held a protest outside Rhesus Park (pictured right) and threatened not to come back if this “unhinged Russian” pushes ahead with some of the plans he is allegedly formulating.

 

They also rounded on the new Director of Monkey for his heavy-handed response to the protest rally after a phalanx of riot policemen confronted dissidents as they tried to reach Kremlinburger's office (pictured below). One masked roustabout said: "There was no need to go all Israeli on our ass. What's next? An air strike?"

 

But Kremlinburger insisted he was right to call in the cops, claiming it had neutralised the "anarchist wing of Shropshire's disaffected youth". He also defended his work since arriving at Rhesus Park and promised to give full disclosure of his vision for the future in the official 40-day review.

 

He said: “While my opponents resort to slander and scaremongering, I deal only with facts. Please show patience and I will deliver.”

 

The Russian also rounded on the “enemy within” and vowed to flush out the mole, who is rumoured to be Head Keeper Clemente Kurva.

 

The Czech has reportedly set up a Trust and is urging season-ticket holders to hand their cash directly to him to make sure their money isn’t wasted on “mental escapades”.

 

The Shropshire advertiser quoted Kurva as saying: “If regulars give me their season-ticket cash I can pass it directly to the chief executive on the understanding that it will not be handed to the man who could bring this proud park to its knees.”

 

Kurva rekindles Rhesus Park romance

July 12, 2014: After weeks of tense negotiations, Rhesus Park is delighted to announce that head keeper Clemente Kurva has decided to stay with Britain’s top monkey attraction.

 

The firebrand Czech claimed he was on the brink of resignation when chief executive David Alsatian appointed Filatio Kremlinburger as our new Director of Monkey without consulting him.

 

But Clemente has now reneged on that threat after the chief executive promised to hand over the keys to his vintage 1952 Bentley twice a month in addition to several other “executive perks”.

 

As he celebrated a "momentous victory" (pictured right) Kurva said: “Due to a confidentiality agreement, I can’t disclose what those perks are. If you mentioned weapons grade plutonium and other impressive additions to my personal arsenal, I would have to make a denial.”

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World cup bloodbath

July 14, 2014: Violence marred what should have been a celebration of sporting excellence when Rhesus Park screened the World Cup Final this weekend.

 

Already over-excited by the racy pre-match entertainment dished up by Shrewsbury Town's cheerleaders (pictured right), our chimps started to lose the plot when the tense battle between Germany and Argentina caused factions to emerge.

 

Most of the primates threw their support behind the Argentines with a minority backing the Germans and just one chimp, the aloof Gerard, remaining neutral as he focused on attempting to sodomise a reluctant female.

 

The threat of violence hovered in their air for two hours before Mario Gotze’s winning goal sparked a full-on riot inside the enclosure.

 

The celebrating German faction were set upon by the Argentine sympathisers and two chimps, Mokoko and Chaz, sadly lost their lives before keeper Clementine Rough waded in to restore order (pictured left).

 

A tearful Clementine said: “It broke my heart to see their lifeless corpses fly through the air as chimps who were once their friends threw them about like rag dolls.”

 

Similar scenes of violence broke out in the capuchin and baboon enclosures, although there were thankfully no casualties.The only simians who passed the evening without any trouble were the Bonobos who opted to watch a Film 4 romantic comedy on their portable telly instead.