Jul-Dec 2013

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Jul-Dec 2013

Operation Yewtree Statement

January 1, 2014: Following a spate of unsubstantiated rumours on radio phone-ins and internet chat rooms, Rhesus Park CEO David Alsatian has today issued a statement to clarify the company’s position with regards to Operation Yewtree.


The statement reads: “The truth is always the first casualty in war and it appears many uncouth roustabouts in the local community have entered into full-on combat with Rhesus Park by sullying the name of this proud institution. For those who are interested only in facts, they are as follows.


"One of our keepers was questioned in relation to Operation Yewtree by Shropshire police last week (pictured right) and was released without charge several hours later. The key phrase in that sentence is “without charge” and the member of staff in question retains the full backing of myself and the board of directors until that changes.


“With regards to the other outlandish reports circulating in cyber space, I would like to say this. Just because Rhesus Park hosted the Jim’ll Fix It Christmas Special in 1987, it doesn’t make it the ‘filth-ridden epicentre ’ of Mr Savile’s ‘Shropshire smut empire’. Rhesus Park has always put families at the forefront of its approach to entertainment and our main aim is to ensure that every child who comes through our gates is entertained while remaining safe. While circumstances often conspire to make us fail in this goal - such as Black Wednesday 1977 when over-stimulated chimps hospitalised 16 pupils from St Swithins Primary during our short-lived Pet The Primate initiative – we would never knowingly place children in danger.


“Our keepers are dedicated professionals. Each and every one of them love the children who come here almost as much as the animals they care for. Rhesus Park never looks for sacrificial lambs or scapegoats, unless of course we are seeking cheap meat to feed the primates during tough times for the UK economy.”


PETA announcement

Decemeber 15, 2013: Rhesus Park is delighted to announce that it is now a signatory to PETA’s global code, which will ensure that each and every monkey at the park will be ethically sourced and treated with due respect while in our care.


CEO David Alsatian said: “We like to regard every monkey as a member of the Rhesus Park family and agreeing to the PETA code will now avoid any “black sheep” in said family being chained up in the basement and fed gruel for perceived misdemeanours.


"This announcement strengthens the reputation Rhesus Park has acquired for quality and care over the last 50 years.”


Shelia Renton, director of simian operations at PETA, added: “We are glad that after a decade of lobbying, legal threats, hate mail campaigns, animal breakouts and violent demonstrations, Rhesus Park have finally seen sense and become signatories to the code. This move has saved us both from an expensive and bitter court battle.”


As a consequence of signing the code, Rhesus Park regrets to announce that it has severed its 25-year partnership with Indonesian suppliers Monkey Mercenaries (Any Breed, Dead or Alive).

Indonesian jackpot

October 31, 2013: A troupe of rare macaques will soon be heading to Rhesus Park thanks to a deal brokered by CEO David Alsatian on his latest trip to Indonesia. After weeks of prolonged talks with our Indonesian suppliers, Alsatian managed to acquire 100 macaques for the knockdown price of £750 and he anticipates the rare species will cover that cost through increased ticket sales within just three months.


He said: “I’ve been spending a lot of time in Jakarta recently trying to block an extradition order for one of our keepers who was allegedly involved in so-called atrocities during the conflict in East Timor. The one positive from this unfortunate incident is that it has allowed me to strengthen Rhesus Park’s ties with our Indonesian suppliers and acquire monkeys for prices way below their market value. I’m sure these macaques will be a hit with the punters and address the worrying fall in attendances at the park.”


Here is a video of Mr Alsatian's negotiations:

Channel Five at Rhesus Park

July 15, 2013: A touch of glamour will be added to Rhesus Park next month when the Channel 5 cameras arrive to film keeper Clementine Rough in their touching and delicately handled documentary, Transgender Benders.


Since arriving at the park under her old name of Big Shuggie Rough back in 1999, Clementine has become one of the most popular keepers at Rhesus Park.


That she retained a professional veneer and smiling face while coming to terms with the fact she was a woman trapped in a man’s body says everything about Clementine’s strength of character.


What happened away from the park is a tale Channel 5 intend to tell in their documentary and anyone who knows Clementine can’t wait to see what secrets they uncover.


Producer Frederico McGlashan (pictured right), whose previous groundbreaking work includes I Married Hermaphrodite Twins, My Tits Exploded At 60,000 Feet and The Boy Who Thinks He’s The Loch Ness Monster, said: “Clementine’s story is one that simply has to be told. We intent to delve deep into her character and discover the hidden heartache behind her transformation from man to woman.


"Watching her prance about with a bunch of monkeys will provide some light relief and we will spend a few days filming her at her work. You never know, we might get lucky and witness her having to artificial inseminate one of the gibbons. Better still, one of the gorillas might take a bite out of her falsies, giving us a different kind of documentary altogether.”


Clementine (pictured above left at Mardi Gras), who has been dreaming of gracing the small screen since becoming a woman three years ago, is thrilled Channel 5 will let her realise her ambition. “I was beginning to think they would never let me on the telly,” she said. “They knocked me back for every game show I applied for, even that abomination hosted by Anne Widdecombe, but I know I’ve found my rightful home on Channel 5. I can’t wait to tell my life story."