Jun 2014

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June 2014

Kurva fury as new appointment 'undermines' him

June 5, 2014: Head keeper Clemente Kurva has reacted with fury to Filatio Kremlinburger’s appointment as Director of Monkey, claiming the move has left him “on the brink of resignation”.


Rheus Park.com broke the news to the Czech enforcer while he was on holiday in the Maldives (pictured right) and he insisted his role had been "undermined" after CEO David Alsatian created the new post without even consulting him. Clemente is the longest serving member of staff, with almost four decades of service to his name, but is now so “insulted” that he is considering severing his ties with the park.


Kurva told Rhesus Park.com: “I thought I was running the f****** show around here! What do we need a f****** Director of Monkey for? Is this some kind of f****** joke?


“To make matters even f****** worse they’ve appointed a f****** Russian! I took orders from those b******* for years when I worked for the StB back in Prague and now they want me to kowtow to one of them again? Clemente takes orders from no one”


Kurva has now demanded “showdown talks” with CEO David Alsatian, and drew parallels with the shambolic running of Newcastle United since Joe Kinnear arrived as Director of Football. He said: “Does this mean we can only get apes on loan from France now? And can we only get one each season?”



No time for snap judgments

June 4, 2014: The photographer from the Shropshire Chronicle had two lenses, a battery pack and a tripod stolen at today's media conference to announce the appointment of Filatio Kremlinburger.


Despite what the Gazette's furious editor insinuated during a phone call to CEO David Alsatian, Rhesus Park did not organise this theft in revenge for their "Monkey DNA found in supermarket burgers" story. If they are not careful a second lawsuit may follow.

The Rhesus Russian revolution

June 4, 2014: Rhesus Park is delighted to announce the appointment of Filatio Kremlinburger as our new Director of Monkey. The Muscovite, 45, joins the Rhesus Park family from Kazan Ape Emporium, where he held the office of General Manager and Minister of Propaganda (pictured right).


Kremlinburger’s arrival signals the end of CEO David Alsatian’s long search for the perfect candidate to fill this crucial role. The job was first offered to a series of high-profile figures from the zoological world, including Bill Oddie, Michaela Strachan and Chris Packham. Pampered prima donnas Oddie and Strachan didn’t even have the decency to reply to our job offer but things looked more promising when Packham tweeted David Alsatian to say: “I like the look of your place, some truly gifted staff.”


Despite pushing our budget to the limit, however, we couldn’t tempt Chris (below left) away from Springwatch, forcing David Alsatian to seek out new candidates. After hearing that Roy Keane had snubbed the vacant Celtic job, our CEO moved quickly to make a daring swoop for the former Manchester United star. Keane impressed in the job interview, including one memorable anecdote about Ryan Giggs, an unspecified girl band and a jar of Marmite, but things started to sour when personal terms were discussed.



The Irishman made a series of demands and the talks collapsed when he asked for a golden statue to be erected outside the park, showing him holding the severed head of former Republic of Ireland boss Mick McCarthy. This moved our search away from the world of celebrities and when we drew up a shortlist of monkey park staff from all over the world, Filatio came top of the list.


CEO David Alsatian said: “I’ve known Filatio for years and he’s exactly the kind of character we need to head up our monkey operations. He impressed me with his lecture on animal discipline at the recent Furry Tears Conference and the fact he then proceeded to drink me under the table back at the hotel only increased my respect for him.”



Furry tears success story

May 30, 2014: CEO David Alsatian has returned from the annual Exploitation of Animals conference armed with a vast array of ideas to drag Rhesus Park kicking and screaming into the 21st Century.


While most delegaes considered Alsatian's own keynote speech on artiificial insemination to be the highlight of the conference, the modest CEO was quick to talk up the efforts of others. He said: "While not quite reaching the same heights as Dresden 2011, this year's bash in Islamabad was top notch. I've learned a lot about simian psychology, cattle prods and flogging monkey glands to black marketeers, while the Chris Rea tribute act we were treated to will live long in the memory."


Kremlinburger in dreamland

June 4, 2014: New Director of Monkey Filatio Kremlinburger last night admitted his big-money move from Kazan Ape Emporium to Rhesus Park was the stuff of dreams, claiming: “It’s the only monkey attraction I’ve ever wanted to work for”.


The Muscovite, who worked for Mini Disc, Ratners, Barings Bank and Woolworths before returning to Russia two years ago, will head up a radical restructuring of monkey operations and can’t wait to get cracking.


Kremlinburger (pictured right) said: “When I was a little boy growing up the Soviet Union, I always dreamed that one day I would get the chance to work at the world famous Rhesus Park. When the Berlin Wall came down I headed west in the hope I would be able to fulfil this dream. Now that I have finally succeeded, I know I can die a happy man.”


The Russian admitted he had a hard job ahead, trying to “improve on perfection”, but gave Rhesus Park.com a brief glimpse of his plans. He said: “I don’t want to give too much away but let’s just say monkeys with jetpacks are pretty high up the wishlist.”