Jun-July 2015

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Jun-Jul 2015

Joust what the doctor ordered

July 3, 2015 It's the 10th anniversary of Rhesus Park’s Medieval Monkey Zone – and to celebrate we’re hosting a sensational simian jousting contest.


Primates from a range of species will don suits of armour on July 23 then set about each other on horseback until a champion stands proudly over his vanquished rivals.


Head keeper Clemente Kurva has been training our monkeys for this grand spectacle over the last couple of months and is confident they will put on one hell of a show for you lucky people..


He said: “I’ve seen some entertaining stuff at Rhesus Park over the years but this promises to be the greatest moment in our long and proud history.


“The monkeys have taken to horse-riding like a duck to water and jousting is the perfect way to channel their boundless aggression.”


Chief executive David Alsatian also believes the jousting tournament will be the perfect way to mark a landmark date in Rhesus Park’s history.


He said: “I can’t believe it’s 10 years since we opened Medieval Monkey Zone by executing some syphilitic macaques in our guillotines (pictured left).


“People doubted if we’d ever be able to top that – but I’m confident this jousting tournament will exceed even those primal thrills.”


Tickets are on sale now from Rhesus Park at £65 for adults, £32 for children and £43 for old codgers. Our temporary stands will only hold 2000 people so make sure you reserve your briefs now by emailing rhesuspark@gmail.com

Buena suerte Phil Neville

June 30, 2015 Rhesus Park would like to congratulate former work experience boy Phil Neville after learning he has landed a dream job as assistant manager at La Liga giants Valencia.


Phil came to Rhesus Park as an ungainly 13-year-old back in 1990 (pictured right) but impressed staff with the diligence and hard graft that would serve him so well at Manchester United and Everton.


Head keeper Clemente Kurva said: “I’d like to think I helped prepare Phil for working under Sir Alex Ferguson as I enjoyed nothing more than bawling out work experience kids to check if they were made of the right stuff.


“To Phil’s credit, he redoubled his efforts after I ripped into him like one of those dissidents I used to destroy back in Czechoslovakia. And he didn't flinch when I ordered him to go to the corner shop and return with a copy of Razzle, 20 Regals and a bottle of Bell's whisky. It was unheard of for a 13-year-old to come back with all three. All of the other work experience kids only ever managed to come back with just the porno.”


Chief executive David Alsatian said: “I’ve followed Phil’s career closely and take pride from helping to mould him into a top-class footballer. I have no doubt those four weeks at Rhesus Park played a key role in installing the right values into him.


“I vigorously defended him on Twitter when others were ripping into Phil for calling the ref’s vanishing spray ‘invisible foam’ during the last World Cup and I’m sure he will prove those same critics wrong by doing a fantastic job in Spain with Los Che.”


Lemurs busted in Calais cock-up

June 25, 2015 RhesusPark found itself caught up in the immigration storm at Calais last week after our plan to smuggle 45 lemurs into the UK was thwarted by the fickle hands of fate.


Months of preparation had gone into our plan to bring the contraband primates from their home in Bulgaria across western Europe.


But the daring move went up in smoke by virtue of bad luck as our lemurs finally arrived in Calais on the day thousands of migrants also made a bid to cross the English Channel.


Rhesus Park CEO David Alsatian said: “We had greased the palms of a few border guards in a bid to secure our lemurs got through safely but the whole bloody port was on red alert because of all the migrants.


“They were doing checks on every car and it only took a couple of seconds for our lemurs to be discovered. I tried to slip the customs officer a few hundred quid to induce temporary blindness but he said there were too many journalists snooping around for him to accept a bundle of cash.”


Alsatian then hatched a daring Plan B, offering the migrants £20 notes to either slip the lemurs down their trousers or stuff them in their backpacks.


Sadly this plan was also doomed to failure as the lemurs, having lived in the relative luxury of a Vauxhall Astra for a week, reacted violently to these less salubrious surroundings.


Alsatian said: “I felt so sorry for those poor migrants as they yelped in agony while our lemurs took chunks out of out them. I decided to let them all keep the cash and bundled all the lemurs back into the car.


“We had no option but to drive them all the way back to Bulgaria and I did my best to drown my sorrows by blowing 250 Euros in Sofia’s red-light district before jumping on an EasyJet flight back to London.”

Shroppies statement

June 23,, 2015 Now that the bitterness has finally subsided and our broken dreams fade further from our memory, Rhesus Park would like to congratulate all the winners at the Shropshire Business Awards.


While still hurt at our baffling lack of recognition, we are glad to see other hardworking local businesses receive the credit they are due.


Rhesus Park will now redouble its efforts to make sure we are on the podium weeping tears of joy next year.

Charlie back from the dead?

July 1, 2015 Reports of Charlie Chimp’s death may have been greatly exaggerated after a suspected sighting was reported on Twitter.


Rhesus Park CEO David Alsatian expressed fears for the renegade simian’s life last month after claiming he may have passed into the spirit world.


Those worries were sparked by the Charlie Charlie internet sensation, with a Mexican video hinting our chimp may have been the demon scaring gullible fools all over the world.


But it has now emerged that Charlie may actually be hiding out on the other side of the globe in New Zealand.


Twitter user Dirk Sanchez caught the attention of our CEO when he tweeted: “Got rudely woken up by the creature living in my ceiling.”


And when Alsatian asked him if that “creature” could be our beloved Charlie, Sanchez replied: “Could be. Whoever it is ain’t going anywhere, this creature has been up there about 18 months.”


It is now just over 18 months since Charlie staged his daring escape from Rhesus Park so it could be possible that he has been hiding out in New Zealand for all that time.


Alsatian said: “Charlie always loved watching the Lord of the Rings so it makes sense that he might try to head to New Zealand. It’s could be a breakthrough lead.


“I might try to pop over there when I’m next in Indonesia on a scouting mission. I’m just relieved to learn that Charlie might not have passed into the spirit world.”