Nov 2014

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November 2015

Pioneers of high-street simians


November 26, 2014 Rhesus Park has drawn up sensational plans to become Britain’s first high-street animal attraction, a move that is set to blow our rivals out of the water.


After years of work behind the scenes, CEO David Alsatian has secured planning permission for the first Rhesus Park Express site in Shrewsbury Town centre.


And if the pioneering idea becomes a money-spinner, he hopes to extend the Rhesus Park brand to city centres all across Britain.


Alsatian told Rhesus “I got the idea for Rhesus Park Express after watching all the major supermarket brands open up smaller shops in busy, metropolitan areas.


“Yuppies and lazy housewives simply aren’t interested in traipsing all the way out of town for their messages these days, so it got me thinking: ‘Maybe it’s the same with their simian-mirth needs..’


“It was one of those Eureka moments and, rather aptly, it came when I was in the bath, fantasising about a Nuru massage I received in the Far East back in the late 1990s.”


The blueprint (pictured left) for the Shrewsbury Rhesus Park Express, which will be on Smithfield Road, will see six macaques, two capuchins, three gorillas and a gibbon transferred to new “luxury enclosures” modelled along the lines of Japanese business hotels.


Alsatian added: “Space will be at a premium but we won’t do anything that will get those pencil-pushers at PETA back on our case.


“We want to give the public a few minutes of monkey-related enjoyment on their way home from work. We also plan to sell fags, booze and scratchcards so it’s a real one-stop entertainment shop. Providing there are no objections from obnoxious local campaigners, we are hoping the first Rhesus Park Express will be open to the public in time for Christmas 2015 .”

Kurva fury over "diva" orangutan

November 21, 2014 Rhesus Park orangutan Jebediah has been accused of “turning into a coke-fuelled diva” after gaining fame as the star of Scottish and Southern Energy’s new advertising campaign.


Head keeper Clemente Kurva was initially delighted when Jebediah fought off competition from some of Britain’s most photogenic apes to land the starring role in the big-money production..


But he claims the six-year-old orangutan has been a “nightmare” to deal with since returning to Rhesus Park and hinted that the poor beast might now be suffering from alcoholism and cocaine addiction.


He said: “It took these advertising types from London just three days to take an innocent ape and turn him into a monster. It all started to go wrong when they renamed him Maya and made him pretend to be a female.


“What kind of message does that send out? To make matters worse they then take him to a bloody sushi restaurant and the movies.Is it any wonder the poor bugger was an emotional wreak when he pitched up at Rhesus Park? It broke my heart to see him wearing designer sunglasses and clutching a decaf latte in one hand and some wasabi peanuts in the other.”


Jebediah now refuses to eat his normal meals and has shunned the orangutan art project, spending all of his free time playing the iPhone gifted to him by SSE.


CCTV footage from Monday night has also shown a mysterious figure passing a package to Jebediah through the bars of the orangutan enclosure at 3am. Kurva suspects the hooded man to be an infamous local drug dealer and claims Jebediah possesses all the “traits” of a cokehead.


He said: “I clocked it the minute Jebediah came back. I went out with Whitney Houston for a spell in the late 1980s so I know all the tell-tale signs.


“The only way we can save Jebediah is for him to go cold turkey. I’ll be waiting when this disgusting dealer next tries to feed his addiction and it should make for some very interesting viewing on our CCTV tapes.”


Kurva isn’t the only critic of Jebediah’s role in the advert as Guardian journalist Ed Gillespie also penned a savage critique on his newspaper's website.







3 bad men save our Christmas

November 15, 2014 Thanks to a new resettlement job scheme with Dartmoor prison (pictured right), Rhesus Park is delighted to announce that our Santa’s grotto will return year


The popular Furry Festive Fantasia has been in hibernation for the past four years due to funding problems and ongoing issues with the sexual offenders register.


But it will make a triumphant return this year after Rhesus Park CEO David Alsatian struck up an agreement with Dartmoor’s Don’t Be Left Lagging resettlement scheme.


Brian “Bones” Bradshaw will become the Rhesus Park Santa when he is released from jail on December 4 after serving 18 months of his four-year sentence for aggravated assault.


And he will be accompanied at the Furry Festive Fantasia grotto by two elves – arsonist Benjamin Okpara and petty thief Tinchy “Jonesy” Jones (pictured below with Bradshaw at the 2102 Dartmoor Xmas Party).


Rhesus Park chief Alsatian said: “We’re delighted to give these miscreants a chance to rehabilitate themselves and it confirms our commitment to law and order after agreeing to be part of the witness protection scheme for our keeper Salvatore “Knuckles” Pardesi.


“The added bonus is that the additional staff will allow us to open up the Furry Festive Fantasia again.


“Christmas hasn’t quite been the same for the last four years and the fact we have three intimidating criminals running the show will deter local youths from trying to swipe presents from the grotto.”


Our new Santa can’t wait to get started and spoke exclusively to Rhesus from behind a sheet of reinforced glass at Dartmoor.


Bradhsaw told us: “It’s great I will be able to walk out of here and straight into a job.


“The Santa suit will also act as a nice disguise as it’s rumoured the Shropshire mafia are looking for me after accusing me of passing information to the screws here in return for an early release.”


Okpara and Jones were unavailable for comment when we visited the prison as they were taking advantage of “conjugal visit privileges” with a touring German volleyball squad. But they later released a statement expressing "fulsome apathy" over the jobs.

Five minutes with... our CEO

November 13, 2014: Rhesus Park CEO David Alsatian hopes to boost the local profile of the park by featuring in the respected magazine Shropshire Business Today.


The editors of Shropshire Business Today aim to give readers the chance to see what makes business leaders tick with intimate personal profiles.


And Alsatian is set to feature in their Five Minutes With... section after completing an on-line interview and submitting a photo.


Here’s a sneak peak for our loyal Rhesus patrons in case contempt of court fears force the interview to be spiked.



Name: David Alsatian


Position: CEO


Company: Rhesus Park


Length of time in current role: 15 years


Describe your current job, in one sentence: Ensuring the smooth operation of Britain’s best monkey-related entertainment hotspot.


What is your proudest achievement? Rebuilding the shattered reputation of Rhesus Park after the tabloids branded us “Britain’s most notorious animal attraction”. We are now an award-winning zoo.


And the most difficult challenge you’ve had to overcome? Fighting extradition charges for our head keeper Clemente Kurva, who was wrongly accused of war crimes


Explain some of the big issues in your industry right now? The spurious film Dawn of Apes has made people suspicious of simians and their intentions. Takings are down 20 per cent since its release. We’ve also had to fill a £2m funding gap by selling naming rights to Sports Direct.


What are the best, and worst aspects of your job? I will never tire of seeing the look of wonder in a child’s eye as they watch one of our chimpanzees fall off a branch after trying to scratch themselves in a sensitive area. Bringing together a diverse team of keepers that features a budding magician, a part-time glamour model, a former priest, a transsexual and a one-time enforcer for the Czechoslovakian secret police has also been highly rewarding.


The worst aspect is firing people. I recently had to let our director of monkey go after he blew £2m on simian transfer deadline day and although he fully merited it, I still couldn’t help but think about the mouths he had to feed.


What makes you smile, and what keeps you awake at night? When you work with monkeys every day then it’s hard not to smile at least five or six times a day. Their cheeky horseplay is infectious, albeit often X-rated. Sometimes they can take things too far, though, and the images that are seared into my mind often keep me awake at night.


How do you think your colleagues would describe you? A man who’s not afraid to don a luminous green monkey suit to help children’s charities. Firm but fair and a shoulder to cry on.


If you could go back 10 years, what would you do differently? I would have put my career second, thereby salvaging my fiery relationship with a budding singer-songwriter who went on to become a platinum-selling artist on both sides of the Atlantic.


How do you chill out and relax after a busy day? Three or four glasses of Absinthe (thanks again to Clemente Kurva for the steady supply) get me in the mood for games of on-line chess with a retired Russian grand master. I then put on some Hank Williams and shoot cans with a BB Gun in my back garden.


Tell us something about you, that people probably wouldn’t know? Despite my name, I’m despise dogs and would break out in a cold sweat if I had to spend any time in a real Alsatian’s company. I have recurring nightmares about being a postman.