Oct-Nov 2014

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Oct-Nov 2014

Rhesus Park gets Ghostbusted

November 9, 2014 Rhesus Park has joined Shropshire Fire Service and Nottinghamshire Police Force as a victim of hacking group AnonGhost.


The pro-Palestian cyber criminals gained control of Rhesuspark.com for over three hours, shortly after breaching the Fire Service firewall, and we were powerless to stop them from spreading anti-Israeli propaganda throughout the site.


Rhesus Park CEO David Alsatian said: "We would like to reassure our patrons, particularly those in the American entertainment industry, that Rhesus Park does not activetly promote the destruction of the state of Israel. We would also like to assert that, to the best of our knowledge, Golda Meir was not a particularly enthusiastic practitioner of anal sex with a variety of farmyard animals.


"Our park is open to all and we retain cordial relations with every nation, with the possible exception of Botswana after unfounded allegations of 'simian theft and smuggling' from back in 1999.


"Indeed Rhesus Park retains strong links with Israel via our head keeper Clemente Kurva, who carried out several freelance jobs for Mossad as they wreaked bloody revenge after the Munich Olympics."


This security breach didn't come as too much of a surprise as CEO David Alsatian cancelled Rhesus Park's broadband to cut costs two weeks ago and decided to use the wifi from the neighbouring fire station to access the internet.


Alsatian said: "The bravery and courage of a fire fighter could never be called into question but the same could not be said of their intellect. It only took me three tries before i worked out the password for the wifi was "backdraft". If i could get into their system so easily the mind boggles as to what sort of mischief a proper hacker could get up to.


"I'm really annoyed because they've now brought in proper on-line security and I can't get into their system to freeload on their wifi. If I want to send business emails or watch some porn I now need to go to Starbucks in Shrewsbury town centre. It's becoming a real inconvenience. If one of the lads at AnonGhost helps us get back into the Fire Station wifi then we'll just laugh off their hack of our site. I'll even throw in some season tickets."

Did One Direction nick our Charlie?

November 5, 2015 Rhesus Park has received its hottest tip yet about the possible whereabouts of rogue chimp Charlie thanks to the international storm over One Direction’s latest video.


Animal rights campaigners reacted with fury when the teen heartthrobs were seen joking around with a chimpanzee in chains during the filming of the video for Steal My Girl. However, that anger was nothing compared to the Vesuvian eruption of Rhesus Park CEO David Alsatian when he read press reports of the scandal.


“That’s my f****** monkey,” Alsatian raged as he watched head keeper Clemente Kurva prepare to line the lemur’s latrines with copies of the Daily Mail. “What the f*** is he doing hanging about with those court jesters in the bloody desert?”


After taking a few minutes to compose himself while he read the article, Alsatian’s mood then suddenly changed as he began hatching plans for legal action.


“We’re taking them all down, this lawsuit could make our £3m Sports Direct Deal look like a kid's pocketmoney," he told Rhesus Park.com. “Not only do we have the world’s most famous boy band using our simian with no consent, the video was also directed by Danny De Vito. We’ve hit the payload.


“I could see the cheque getting even bigger when the story said the monkey was actually owned by Steve Martin but unfortunately it’s not that Steve Martin but some disreputable animal trainer instead. It’s a shame, I would have probably settled for a signed picture from Dirty Rotten Scoundrels as I’m such a big fan of his work.

“The same can’t be said of De Vito and I’m particularly looking forward to getting a few quid off him. I still remember going to see Twins at the cinema in 1989 with a bird I was trying to fire into. That’s £10 and a lumber I thought I was never going to get back. At least I’ll get the £10 and hopefully a stack more of cash back.”


The matter is now in the hands of the Rhesus Park lawyers but Alsatian hopes to secure the safe return of Charlie at the very least. “I don’t think anyone can deny that it’s Charlie,” he said. “In one of the pics he’s even wearing the red sunglasses I gave him for his third birthday. It broke my heart to see him being toyed with by those inane, vapid prettyboys. He must have been on some sedatives or he would have given Harry Styles a well-merited mauled face. There's only One Direction Charlie is going and that's back home."




£3m Naming Rights Lifesaver

October 30, 2015 Chief executive David Alsatian is delighted to announce that Rhesus Park’s financial future is now secure after sealng a £3million deal with Sports Direct over naming rights.


The sports retail giants are keen to extend their tentacles into the animal kingdom and the pioneering partnership comes hot on the heels of a similar link-up with fallen footballing giants Glasgow Rangers.


The deal, which will see Rhesus Park take on the official title of the Sports Direct Simian Arena, will run for the next 100 years. All income from merchandising will also go to Sports Direct who will now provide all the clothing for staff and monkeys at Rhesus Park.


Rhesus Park CEO Alsatian said: “Being forced to wear Slazenger T-shirts, adidas trackie bottoms and Reebok hoodies to work instead of my designer Armani suits is a small price to pay for securing the future of this Shropshire institution.


“I’d also like to think it’s a measure of my negotiating skills that we managed to squeeze £3m out of Sports Direct when they only had to pay £1 for the naming rights to Ibrox Stadium.”


When asked for further details on how he managed to pull off such a stunning deal, Alsatian would only reply: “Let’s just say it pays to have Clemente Kurva by your side when you’re trying to negotiate.”


Head keeper Kurva also kept his cards close to his chest as he spoke to rhesius Park.com while modelling the new uniforms (pictured above right). However, he did allude briefly to “high-level contacts in international intelligence agencies”.


To celebrate Rhesus Park’s return to financial health, every child who dresses up in a monkey costume will receive free entry on Saturday November 8, the first official day of festivities at the Sports Direct Simian Arena.


Remembering Acker Bilk

October 29, 2014: Rhesus Park would like to express extreme sadness over the sad and untimely passing of legendary jazz clarinettist Acker Bilk.


We have lost not only one of Britain’s greatest musicians but also one of the Rhesus Park’s greatest friends. Acker was partly responsible for putting Rhesus Park on the map during our fledgling years, hosting two acclaimed live concerts within our grounds. This something we will never forget.


The first concert was recorded live on August 15, 1962, and the ensuing LP, Acker Bilk Live At Rhesus Park (pictured right), was rightly considered one of his great masterpieces.


The 1965 follow up, Back Among The Monkeys, was less successful, mainly because one of our orangutans took it upon himself to take on the role of lead vocalist. Despite the best efforts of the production team, Zebeddiah’s screams couldn’t be erased from the recording, angering many of Bilk's narrow-minded fans.


Nevertheless, Back Among The Monkeys retrospectively became a favourite of avante-garde jazz connoisseurs, with Theleonious Monk picking it as one of his selections on Desert Island Discs in 1981. “Send me to an island with Back Among The Monkeys, a crate of Jack Daniels and a haversack full of pornography and I will die a happy man,” Monk told a rather embarrassed Roy Plomley.


Sadly, Monk did indeed pass away just six months later, no doubt swigging from a bottle as he perused his finest jazz mag to the soundtrack of Back Among The Monkeys.


Rhesus Park is proud to have been associated with Acker over the past 50 years and will continue playing all his albums, keeping the legacy alive for both our simians and customers. Rest in peace old friend.


'Incompetent' Kremlinburger axed

October 10, 2014: Rhesus Park has announced that director of monkey Filatio Kremlinburger has been sacked with immediate effect due to “inconceivable financial incompetence”.


The Russian raised eyebrows with a series of daring moves on simian transfer deadline day, the most notable being a £2million swoop for London Zoo’s silverback gorilla Marley.


In total over £3m was spent on new monkeys, although Kremlinburger tried to assuage the fears of worried board members by claiming the new additions “would pay for themselves” in them a matter of months.


Now, two months on, visitor numbers are actually down on last year, leaving Rhesus Park with a gaping hole in its finances. CEO David Alsatian managed to secure an emergency bridging loan by mortgaging his French holiday chateau but that didn’t stop Kremlinburger from feeling the full force of his ire.


“I have to take responsibility for this disaster as I was the one who hired this idiotic charlatan in the first place,” Alsatian said. “It was a monumental error of judgment on my part, rivalled only by my decision to buy £150 tickets off a tout for an Audience With Cannon and Ball at the Blackpool Tower ballroom in 2011.


“The very future of the park now is in threat. The only positive thing to emerge from this shambolic episode is that our head keeper Clemente Kurva was given the task of breaking the news to Kremlinburger and escorting him off the premises in his own incomparable methods (pictured above)."


Czech enforcer Kurva, an outspoken critic of Kremlinburger from day one, has now taken full control of all monkey operations while the CEO focuses his energies on solving the catastrophic financial problems.

Kurva said: “It’s sad that £3m had to disappear into a black hole before people here started to pay attention to me. I feel vindicated but also devastated that my beloved Rhesus Park is now under serious threat.”


Kremlinburger was unavailable for comment, with Kurva responding only with a sly wink to questions about the Muscovite’s whereabouts.