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Simian blood on your hands
November 11, 2015 Rhesus Park head keeper Clemente Kurva last night insisted SSE and World Rugby had ‘blood on their hands’ after our famous orangutan Jebediah committed suicide.
Jebediah’s lifeless body was found swinging by the neck from the tree inside the orangutan enclosure when Kurva opened the park as usual at 6am this morning.
And the Czech firebrand was quick to point the finger at those who had proffered world-wide fame on poor Jebediah by making him play a starring role in their irritating Rugby World Cup promos.
Last year Kurva ripped into SSE after they first featured Jebediah in their advertising, claiming the few days he spent with London media types had turned him into a drug addict.
Thanks to our head keeper’s tireless work, Jebediah was successfully rehabilitated back into the chimpanzee group after banishing the demons that came with SSE making him pretend to be a female called Maya. But Kurva’s hours of devotion were undone when SSE called upon Jebediah for a second time to headline their sponsorship of the Rugby World Cup. The ego that had been successfully supressed made a storming comeback, bolstered by the fact that a global audience of millions were watching Jebediah’s antics.
This made Jebediah’s eventual return to Rhesus Park one hell of a comedown, especially as his drug addiction had also re-emerged within hours of fraternising with advertising executives (pictured left).
He evidently found this too hard to deal with and within a week Jebediah had taken his own life.
“As soon as I saw that poor beast sink his fangs into a fellow keeper when he tried to take away his copy of Grazia, I knew it was going to end badly,” said Kurva.
“As far as I’m concerned this is tantamount to murder. SSE and World Rugby have blood on their hands. After all the damage they had wrought first time around, it looked like we had managed to save poor Jebediah..
“But then they swanned back in and snatched him away again, putting the poor bugger right back at square one. And they couldn’t have picked a worse sport than rugby to get him involved with. The upper-class types that attach themselves to rugby practically live off cocaine and champagne. What chance did he have?
“When you ask most people about the biggest tragedy of the 2015 Rugby World Cup they will probably talk about that ref who shafted Scotland or the fact a sniper failed to take out Prince Harry on several occasions at Twickenham. But Jebediah’s death is the greatest one of all, even though nobody will probably mention it.”
A memorial service will be held at Rhesus Park at 11am on November 13, 2015 to honour the memory of Jebediah. Newsreader Martin Lewis, who struck up a friendship with Jebediah as a young orangutan before the dark days, has agreed to deliver the eulogy while Rhesus Park staff members will sing songs from the musical Aspects of Love, a particular favourite of the ill-starred orangutan.
A finger buffet and drinks will then be served in the Rhesus Park conference centre before the service ends with entertainment from The Chuckle Brothers and The Great Soprendo (pictured right). Clemente Kurva also plans to commission a statue of Jebediah to keep his memory alive, if you would like to make a donation contact us via email@example.com.
Tranquitod seal the deal
October 30, 2015 Rhesus Park is pleased to announce that Tranquitod have become the first entrepreneurial company to secure a lucrative investment from The Monkey’s Lair.
Earlier this year we decided to take the bold step of providing hard cash for budding business folk in an idea that in no way infringed the registered copyright of BBC show Dragon’s Den.
Up until now, our expert panel of simians – Harpo, Cletus and Delila – have been left unimpressed by the dismal selection of business plans placed before them. But all three have finally given the thumbs up to Tranquitod after being blown away by their impressive selection of tranquilizer guns for toddlers.
Tranquitod CEO Tobias Hessenthaler admitted his nerves were jangling when he first stepped into the Monkey’s Lair and was thrilled to emerge with a £100,000 investment in return for a 40 per cent share in his business, image rights for South East Asia and three parking spaces at Tranquitod head office.
Tobias (pictured left) said: “I thought I had blown it when I stuttered my way through the first sentence and Harpo responded by hurling faeces at me. But I manage to hold it together and eventually made them see sense.
“It’s actually quite fitting that Rhesus Park is now my business partner as I came up with the idea for the Tranquitod while I took Harold, one of my obnoxious nephews, to see your chimpanzees.
“While Harold was setting about me with an inflatable banana I watched one of your keepers take out an equally unruly chimpanzee with an expert shot from his tranquilizer gun. As I watched the beast drift off into a deep sleep within a matter of minutes I began to wish I could resort to the same means to end Harold’s reign of terror.
“Then I began to wonder exactly how many parents were thinking the same thing and pound signs started to flash in front of my eyes. Three years later my dream now stands on the verge of being realised thanks to Rhesus Park’s Monkey’s Lair.”
With the £100,000 investment now secure, Tobias plans to step up production of the rifles and is confident the Tranquitod will be in shops before Christmas.
He said: “I’ve been testing the product out thoroughly on Harold and other anti-social members of my extended family and there have been no disastrous side effects as yet. We’ve just secured a licence from the government and that was the biggest hurdle standing in our way.
"Once people see the instant effects of the Tranquitod, I’m pretty confident every parent in the UK and beyond is going to want one.”
Rhesus Park CEO David Alsatian welcomed the news that Harpo, Cletus and Delila (pictured right) had finally found a company worth investing in. He now hopes the partnership between Rhesus Park and Tranquitod will prove a money-spinner for everyone involved.
Alsatian said: “It has taken our expert panel time to find a suitable partner but I’m sure they’ve picked a winner. We look forward to seeing the first working rifle and plan to test them on children who try to pull the tails of our monkeys.”
The Tranquitod will retail at £44.99 with a pack of six darts costing £10. To book your gun and darts in advance email: firstname.lastname@example.org
The Red Assassin's creed
October 21, 2015 Rhesus Park has taken its first step into the glamourous world of sports promotion by agreeing to sponsor The Red Assassin, one of the rising stars of the Filipino cockfighting scene.
This pioneering scheme was hatched at the recent Furry Tears conference in Bangkok, when Rhesus Park CEO David Alsatian struck up cordial relations with renowned cockfighting trainer Manny Agriado during a succession of drunken nights in Soi Cowboy.
Having heard Agriado complain about a lack of funding for his latest tyro, known locally as Ang Mga Pulang Mamamatay-tao, Alsatian decided to step in and sponsor the gamecock (pictured above) in a bid to boost Rhesus Park’s profile in South East Asia.
In return for funding The Red Assassin’s rigorous training programme and helping to feed his voracious appetite, the Rhesus Park logo will be displayed on the knives attached to the gamecock’s legs during bouts.
Agriado’s world-famous training centre, Cock City, which has produced more than 300 World Slasher Cup victors, will also be re-branded as The Rhesus Park Cock City, giving our brand even greater exposure.
“It’s an honour and a privilege to be associated with a trainer of Manny’s pedigree,” said Rhesus Park CEO Alsatian. “From the few days we spent together in Thailand, I could see he was a man of great gravitas and unrivalled charisma.
“It would have been a travesty if The Red Assassin was unable to deliver on his vast potential due to a lack of funds so we were delighted to step in and bridge the gap.
“Manny has agreed to set up a webcam so we can monitor The Red Assassin’s training and all his fights. We look forward to seeing him in action.”
Agriado hailed Alsatian as a ‘visionary saviour’ and thanked the Rhesus Park CEO for stopping a promising cockfighting career from hitting the skids.
The 52-year-old from Manilla (pictured right) said: “It’s getting harder and harder to secure funding as our rival stable, Top of the Cocks, are blowing everyone out of the water.
“They’re backed by big corporations from the US, including several Wall Street institutions, so it’s hard for stables like us to compete. But thanks to Rhesus Park, we will be able to give Ang Mga Pulang Mamamatay-tao the kind of devoted training he deserves.
“It was looking grim for Ang Mga Pulang Mamamatay-tao before I headed off to Thailand for the the Furry Tears conference, he was two weeks away from becoming a chicken stew. Now he can start dreaming about fighting at the Araneta Coliseum one day.
“That’s how highly I rate Ang Mga Pulang Mamamatay-tao, he’s destined to join the Hall of Famers as a multiple Slasher Derby winner.”
Rhesuspark.com is the only place to keep up to date with The Red Assassin’s progress, keep your eyes peeled for our regular updates and match reports.
London Zoo 'pissing over us all'
October 16, 2015 Rhesus Park head keeper Clemente Kurva has told London Zoo to “get their ******* house in order”, insisting lurid revelations in the press about their keepers had “pissed all over” his noble profession.
Kurva was enraged when he read about a meerkat expert glassing a monkey handler at the London Zoo Christmas party due to their shared passion for a llama keeper called Adam.
The story of this brawl was lustily seized upon by the tabloids and low-rent websites, with journalists delighting in what they termed a “menagerie a trois”.
While the general public found this all very amusing, back at Rhesus Park our veteran head keeper wasn’t laughing. Having prided himself on the iron discipline instilled in his charges at Rhesus Park, Clemente was devastated to learn London Zoo, an organisation he had always held in great esteem, had let standards slip so slow.
He immediately fired off a Tweet to London Zoo, which read: “Disappointed to read about your warring keepers in the press. Get your house in order. You're bringing shame on our profession.”
And the venerable Czech was even more forthright when rhesuspark.com offered him the chance to express his anger in more than 150 characters, an opportunity he seized with relish.
“These jokers have pissed all over our noble profession,” he told us. “I haven’t been so angry about a story in the paper since I read about what happened to poor old Susan Dando, the people’s holiday presenter.
“It’s just shows you what a shambles things must be at London Zoo behind the scenes. Nobody at Rhesus Park would even consider stepping out of line because they know I would punish them more than any judge.
“I used to think London Zoo were the best in the business but this sorry episode just shows how low their standards have slipped to. We’ll all start losing face if London Zoo can’t restore some sense of professionalism. Get your ******* house in order or I’ll need to pop round and sort things out.”
Meanwhile, Rhesus Park gibbon keeper Hertz van Rentaal has moved to distance himself from scurrilous social media rumours that he may be “the fourth man” in this zoological sex scandal, insisting he only has eyes for Elena Cartwright.
“Don’t get me wrong, I like my kitties to be feisty,” said the Dutchman. “And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little aroused when I heard about their catfight. But I’m focusing all my romantic energies on winning Elena over.”
DEVO storm Simian Top 50
October 10, 2015 Rhesus Park has made its first change to the Simian Top 50 after being alerted to a cracking track by DEVO called Huboon Stomp that we sadly overlooked while compiling our pioneering list.
And we owe a sincere depth of thanks to Ireland’s top hip hop act The Rubberbandits for pointing out this sensational song to us after we enquired if they had any tracks of their own that might be suitable for our Top 50.
Huboon Stomp sums up the spirit and attitude of Rhesus Park, particularly in the fabulous video that accompanies the song on You Tube, and has shot straight into our chart at number 14 as a result after a week of testing proved the simians enjoyed the song every bit as much as we did.
In gratitude to the Rubberbandits for bringing DEVO and Huboon Stomp to our attention we let them decide which track would be ejected from our Top 50 to make way and they chose Leroy Gibbon’s She’s My Baby.
Here's the wonderful YouTube Video for Huboon Stomp...
Did Charlie nick from Warwick?
October 13, 2015 Shock news has reached Rhesus Park that renegade chimp Charlie may be responsible for the infamous theft of Warwick Davis’ caravan.
Esteemed pint-sized actor Davis, who has starred in films such as Return of the Jedi and Willow, turned to Twitter after his caravan was swiped from his family home earlier this month.
Despite valiant attempts from the great and good of the Twitterverse, plus Ricky Gervais, the caravan sadly remains estranged from its owner.
And in a fitting twist, it has now emerged that the chimpanzee estranged from Rhesus Park may be sitting behind the wheel of the runaway vehicle.
An anonymous reader of rhesuspark.com recently sent us pictorial evidence of Charlie with a caravan (below), unaware of the fact that Davis was on the lookout for his stolen set of wheels.
And Rhesus Park CEO David Alsatian believes all the pieces of the puzzle might now be starting to fit together.
“If you think about then it definitely makes sense,” he said. “We know Charlie needs transport to get about the country as walking definitely wears out his bones.
“And he’s about the same size as Warwick so all the modifications made to the caravan will suit him down to the ground.Hopefully, the Twitter community can stay on the case and kill two birds with one stone, returning the caravan to Warwick and Charlie to his rightful home.”