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Moristoun launch coup
March 28, 2016 Rhesus Park is delighted to announce that Scottish author Kevin McAllion will be celebrating the launch of his debut novel Moristoun at Rhesus Park on March 31.
We have beaten off stiff competition from The Royal Albert Hall, Maracana Stadium and Madison Square Gardens to host what will be one of the landmark events in the history of literature.
And we have CEO David Alsatian’s family connections to thank as he was able to persuade his nephew to snub more glamourous options and unveil his masterpiece at Rhesus Park.
Alsatian said: “Kevin knows family comes first and I remember the carefree summers he spent here as a kid, pushing the boundaries of how far you could irritate a macaque before receiving a savaging.
“I saved him from more than a few scrapes so it’s only fair that he repays the favour now. He has told me some giants from the literature world will be at the launch and I’m particularly looking forward to meeting the guy who draws Hagar The Horrible.”
McAllion added: “It will be an honour to return to Rhesus Park on the day my book is released. I can only hope that Moristoun is just as successful as this esteemed animal attraction.
"If I can bask in the reflected glory of Rhesus Park then I will be truly grateful. This will be day I will cherish forever."
You can order your copy of Moristoun now at www.moristoun.com and can follow Kevin on Twitter @Moristoun and @kevmcallion.
The Theatre of Screams
February 20, 2016 Rhesus Park has stuck another dagger in the once-proud reputation of Manchester United by branding their players ‘wanton, sex-crazed degenerates’ after the club’s visit descended into carnage.
Everyone at Rhesus Park was cock-a-hoop with excitement as they prepared to welcome Louis van Gaal and his players to Shropshire ahead of the FA Cup tie with Shrewsbury Town.
That sense of anticipation merely heightened on Friday morning when enigmatic Old Trafford hero Eric Cantona posted a Facebook message that read ‘Même les grands tremblent devant la puissance singe (Even the greats cower before the mighty monkey)’, hinting that he would join the squad in visiting Rhesus Park.
Sadly, such a scenario never came to pass but the sense of disappointment that descended over Rhesus Park was nothing compared to the anger that would soon envelop this leafy corner of Shropshire.
Things started promisingly enough as Van Gaal warmly greeted his our head keeper Clemente Kurva, then man responsible for bringing United to Rhesus Park. They reminisced about their days together at Ajax over some absinthe while Clemente offered his condolences over United’s latest European humiliation.
While this cordial exchange was taking place, however, Van Gaal’s players were disgracing themselves yet again, having spotted our two female keepers, Elena Cartwright and Clem Rough. As their manager chatted away to Clemente, two players (who will remain unnamed due to future legal proceedings) talked Elena into a threesome in the Rhesus Park staff room while four of their team-mates led a delighted Clem away to the Chimpanzee enclosure.
These four curious players, attracted by the novelty of a post-op transsexual, gleefully added another chapter to their vast book of sexual perversion as their two team-mates opted for the more conventional charms offered by our resident glamour girl. It was a mistake they would live to regret.
When Clemente finally realised two decades had done little to repair Van Gaal’s woefully cultivated personality and grew bored of chatting about their shared past in Amsterdam’s red-light district, he began to wonder about the whereabouts of his niece, Miss Cartwright.
Had the two United stars had the foresight to have locked the staff room door, they might have saved themselves from a savage beating. Unfortunately for them, the passions Elena had stirred in their loins reduced their already-depleted mental faculties, handing Clemente instant access to the scene of the crime. The player unfortunate enough to be astrde Elena when Clemente entered the room took the full force of his fury and received such a beating that he merely cowered in tears (pictured left) while our head keeper set about laying into his debauched accomplice.
When the rest of Van Gaal’s players learned of the pummeling their team-mates had received, a full-scale riot broke out as our keepers, cleaners and administrative staff joined Clemente in defending the honour of Rhesus Park. Battle raged for fully 45 minutes before United’s players re-treated to the car park, with Wayne Rooney pleading for his life (pictured right) after being knocked to the ground just a few yards short of the sanctuary of his vintage Dodge.
Fortunately for Rooney, Clemente was in no mood to add the culpable homicide of England’s record goalscorer to his rap sheet just months before learning if he would be successful in staving off extradiction to Liberia for alleged war crimes. Rooney therefore escaped with just minor injuries but United hastily sped back to the team hotel with their reputation in tatters.
To add salt to their gaping wounds, Elena then mocked the sexual prowess of the Old Trafford duo she had romped with, branding them inferior to every member of the Shrewsbury Town squad. ‘These pampered Premiership players might earn 200 grand a week but they’re the poor relations when it comes to bedroom gymnastics. These so-called stars are mere amateurs compared to the likes of Mickey Demetriou, Jermaine Grandison and Jack Grimmer.’
Welcome King Luis and Co
February 19, 2015 We are delighted to announce that Manchester United have agreed to make a pit-stop tour of Rhesus Park ahead of Monday’s FA Cup tie with Shrewsbury Town.
As soon as the fifth-round draw sent The Red Devils on a trip to Shropshire, Rhesus Park CEO David Alsatian racked his brains for ways he could cash in on FA Cup fever.
So he was delighted to learn that head keeper Clemente Kurva was an old friend of United manager Louis van Gaal, who employed the firebrand Czech as a ‘motivational guru’ back in 1992 when he inherited a group of talented youngsters at Ajax.
Thanks to Clemente’s unique methods, timid characters such as Edwin van der Saar, the De Boer twins and Clarence Seedorf were transformed into mighty warriors and within three years Ajax were European champions.
Van Gaal (pictured below) has never forgotten Clemente’s role in their success, although he has shamefully never credited our head keeper in public, so he was more than happy to agree to visit Rhesus Park with United’s squad ahead of the clash with the Shrews.
“Louis has owed me a favour since we went ‘window shopping’ in Amsterdam two days after that Champions League triumph,” Clemente told rhesuspark.com. “I’m sworn to secrecy so all I can say was that it involved Nutella, a mortuary and a car battery.
“I considered cashing in that favour when Louis became Barcelona manager as I’ve always wanted to see El Clasico in the flesh. But I decided to bide my time and I’m glad I did as it will be marvellous to see United’s stars in the flesh at Rhesus Park.
“I’m particularly looking forward to meeting Ryan Giggs because I’ve always had my eye on the wife of my brother Pavel. Hopefully, Giggsy can give me some tips on how to seduce her.”
Rhesus Park has proud links with United as former player Phil Neville enjoyed a spell on our staff as a youngster (pictured below) doing work experience while he was trying to make the grade at Old Trafford.
Now CEO David Alastian is hoping to bend the ear of United bigwig Ed Woodward during Friday’s visit as he bids to secure a stunning sponsorship deal.
He said: “Nothing would give me a greater thrill than seeing the Rhesus Park logo on those famous red jerseys. I know that won’t come cheap but I’m hoping to seal the deal by offering Woodward a season-ticket here for life plus access to the ‘honeymoon suite’ we used to reserve for Sir Jimmy Saville during his visits to the park.
“It will be an honour to have Louis and his players here but my cordial hospitality will end the moment they cross that white line at Gay Meadow. I’m a massive Shrewsbury Town fan so I sincerely hope Micky Mellon’s boys will pump United and put Louis on the dole.”
We're Fry and mighty
February 18, 2015 Rhesus Park has stepped in to fill the void left by Stephen Fry’s Twitter departure by arranging for the erudite public schoolboy to dish out bite-size pieces of wit while feeding our chimps.
Fry’s legions of followers were left dismayed when he took the cream puff and quit the social media site after copping stick for his BAFTAs quip about “bag lady” Jenny Beavan.
But those left pining for their daily dose of wisdom can now get their Fry fix at Rhesus Park after we pulled off a stunning coup.
Every afternoon at 3pm, the QI host will arrive at Rhesus Park on a quad bike (pictured left) and make one short quip to the paying public before throwing slabs of meat at our ravenous, bloodthirsty monkeys.
Rhesus Park CEO David Alsatian revealed: “We want to make the experience as close to Twitter as possible so Fry will be punished if he uses over 140 characters.
“Our head keeper Clemente Kurva, a former scrabble champion in Czechoslovakia, will keep track of how many characters Fry uses and if he goes over 140, one of our chimps will spit in his face and give him a punch to the balls.
“I used to follow Fry myself so I’m looking forward to hearing his views on a variety of subjects – from the potential legalisation of keel hauling to the sad demise of the mighty Findus Crispy Pancake.
“I’m also hoping he can give me some inside information on Jeremy Clarkson, a regular QI panellist, as I continue my hate campaign against one of the most loathsome men ever to grace our TV screens.”
Alsatian refused to reveal how much Fry would be paid for his services, hinting only that the fee would keep “all of Shrewsbury’s vagrants fed and housed for the rest of the decade”.
While Fry's imminent arrival has sent excitement surging around Rhesus Park, chimpanzee keeper Clem Rough branded the TV funnyman an "egomaniac" who had "shamelessly stolen" her thunder. One of Clem's greatest pleasures is feeding our simians in front of the public (pictured right) and she's not happy at being usurped by Fry.
Clem claimed: "It’s bad enough seeing Fry’s smug face every time I tune into Dave but I now have to see him feeding my chimps every day. He wouldn’t even contemplate doing it together, which tells you everything about these cosseted TV stars.
“I’m furious Rhesus Park bowed to his demands just to get some publicity. I hope one of the chimps bites his bloody hand off, something I will be encouraging them to do by showing re-runs of the worst episodes of a Bit of Fry and Laurie.”
Rhesuspark.com tried to get a comment from Fry last night but for some reason he didn’t reply to our messages on Twitter.