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Murder most horrid

October 26, 2016 Rhesus Park is sad to announce that the foul stench of murder has returned to our grounds, just two days before we were due to set a record for simian peace.

 

The brutalised cadaver of our matriarch macaque Geraldine was found by head keeper Clemente Kurva this morning after what appeared to be a haunting night of internecine warfare in the macaque enclosure.

 

Clemente’s initial investigation pointed towards a violent domestic as the alpha male Barry was found with blood caked all over his hands while he silently brooded in a corner away from the rest of the troop.

 

Barry was immediately whisked away to the Rhesus Park detention centre and thrown behind bars (pictured above) with the other disgraced members of our community. He will now await trial before his fate is decided as we study CCTV footage and bring in sign language experts to gather harrowing testimony from the shocked macaques who witnessed Geraldine’s demise.

 

Kurva said: “This looks like a pretty cut-and-dried case to me. Barry didn’t rise to become alpha male by taking any prisoners. He’s a no-nonsense type and it was pretty common knowledge that Geraldine was putting it about the rest of the troop.

 

“It was always going to end badly, the only question was whether it would be Geraldine or Barry who ended up carking it. I would have backed Geraldine’s army of lovers to leap to her defence but they obviously didn’t fancy taking on Barry in one of his moods. I can’t say I blame them because he's one cold-hearted bastard.”

 

Geraldine, who leaves behind 13 children, is the first casualty of simian-on-simian violence since Horace the capuchin’s failed attempt to usurp his brother Tony as leader of their troop last year.

 

And CEO David Alsatian was left disappointed as a new record for peace was tantalisingly within grasp before Barry’s vicious claws ripped into Geraldine’s flesh.

 

He said: “In the long history of Rhesus Park, the longest we’ve gone without a murder on the grounds is 321 days. That was set in 1967, the summer of love, so it would have been quite a landmark had we managed to surpass that.

 

“Now we need to start from zero but the immediate task is to set about bringing Barry to justice. Everyone is innocent until proven guilty but I’m sure that evil little bastard did it.”

 

Alsatian refused to rule out the death penalty if Barry was found guilty, with simian crucifixion the method preferred in the past, but admitted a lengthy jail term was more likely given an impending visit from PETA.

 

We're big in Japan

October 24, 2016 Rhesus Park CEO David Alsatian has launched an ambitious bid to break into the Japanese market after splashing out on a £1million advertising and merchandising campaign.

 

After the spectacular collapse of the pound, Alasatian believes Japanese tourists will flock to the UK in droves next summer in a bid to get plenty of bang for their Yen.

 

So he has decided to speculate to accumulate, spending big on a massive 60 foot advert in the Roppongi district of Tokyo (pictured right). The ad has already proved a huge hit, with thousands of Tokyo residents bombarding Twitter with comments about our menacing gorilla.

 

And Rhesus Park was even mentioned on prime time TV, with popular magazine show Kōfun-sei teinō (Excitable Morons) discussing the new addition to the Tokyo skyline.

 

Presenter Konichi Osaka (pictured below) drew disproportionate laughs from the studio audience by comparing the gorilla to co-host Rui Kawashima during her 'time of the month', an insult she responded to by claiming the great ape was merely incensed because he had caught Konichi sniffing the underwear of his teenage daughter.

 

Given that Osaka is still on probation for secretly filming up the skirts of school girls on the Tokyo subway, this barb caused sparks to fly and security staff had to step in after he launched himself at Kawashima and tried to bash her pretty face in with a stapler.

 

The resulting publicity gained Rhesus Park even more attention in the Land of the Rising Sun and Alsatian capitalised by releasing our own brand of sweets, with the artwork displaying the reddest of arses among our proud troop of baboons.

 

These strawberry chews, named Rhesus Reddies, have proven to be a smash hit with Japanese kids and Alsatian is now considering releasing a full range of sweets to reflect the smorgasboard of simians on offer at Rhesus Park.

 

He said: "We took a bit of a gamble by spunking £1m on this campaign but it's already paying off. That fight on the telly was the best thing that could have happened to us. By all accounts Mr Osaka seems to be the Jimmy Saville of Japan and he has certanly Fixed It for us."

 

 

Gol-den Globes award

October 22, 2016 Rhesus Park has racked up another stunning accolade after our pioneering opium den was rated fourth best in the whole of Europe by Lonely Planet magazine..

 

The Rhesus Park opium den has been a massive hit since it replaced our soft play area Jungle Jim's back in May, drawing visitors from all over the UK and beyond.

 

And it's sure to draw even more punters now the respected magazine has claimed only three dens on the entire continent can hold a flame to our morphine Mecca.

 

The two journalists who compiled the pole, secretly visited our den in July and were blown away by both the ambience and the quality of the hard drugs.

 

 

Here's what they wrote about their visit to Rhesus Park.... "Anyone who has read Fear and Loathing In Las Vegas would appreciate a trip to the Rhesus Park Opium Den. There's nothing more surreal than sparking up and tripping the light fantastic while watching a selection of apes engage in debauched acts of violence and sexual perversion. This is one trip you won't forget."

 

Proud Rhesus Park CEO David Alsatian said: "This priceless publicity fully vindicates our decision to abandon the soft play area and open the opium den. Now the target has to be reaching No.1 in their poll, although it will be a tough task given the rack on that broad at Saphir Etoile in Paris.

 

"I'd love to bury my head in that cleavage while sweet morphine courses through my veins. It would bring back sweet memories of the times I used to freebase with Sue Lawley while we watched Crimewatch on a black and white telly in her caravan."

#PrayforPadraig

October 17, 2016 Rhesus Park has been plunged into mourning after the death of Padraig, our beloved pensioner chimpanzee, at the age of ripe old age of 75.

 

Padraig, who sired 17 children and amassed 24 grandchildren, 45 great grandchildren and 112 great grandchildren, finally passed away on Sunday morning after taking part in the mixed martial arts event at the annual Rhesus Park sports day.

 

He received a brutal roundhouse kick to the head from the eventual winner, a vibrant young firebrand called Goliath, and failed to regain consciousness. The fact Goliath was one of Padraig’s 112 great grandchildren only added to the sense of tragedy that washed over Rhesus Park.

 

The veteran chimp has been a Rhesus Park institution since our gates first opened and several celebrities took to Twitter to speak of their sadness and offer condolences to our grieving staff.

 

Barry Chuckle led the tributes as he tweeted: “We regularly used Padraig for monkey sketches and he was a consummate professional. The world should be weeping.”

 

Melinda Messenger added: “Just heard the news about poor Padraig. Big hug to everyone @rhesuspark. #PrayforPadraig.”

 

And perhaps the most succinct summation of grief came from rapper Professor Green (pictured left) who posted: “Gutted for @rhesuspark. Some fucked-up shit. #PrayforPadraig.”

 

The brutal manner of his passing left some members of staff in tears but head keeper Clemente Kurva defended his decision to let Padraig take part in the mixed martial arts, which was a new addition to the sports day schedule.

 

The Czech said: “Padraig was a colossus in the world of simian sport so it was only right that we allowed him to go for what would have been his 50th gold medal.

 

"Over the years he has won every other event, apart from the rhythmic gymnastics, and it would have been one of the great sporting stories if he added an MMA gold to his collection at 75. Dying on the field of battle was a fitting end for a warrior whose courage even humbled me. I'm proud to have called him my friend."

 

But Rhesus Park CEO David Alsatian took a dimmer view of Padraig’s demise, having learned of his death via text message while he was down in London begging the Lottery commission for funds.

 

Alsatian said: “If Padraig had lumbered on for another year he would have outlived Holywood star Cheeta as the oldest chimpanzee in history.

 

“Can you imagine how much money we would have managed to earn out of the old bugger if he graced the pages of the Guinness Book of Records? Tourists would have been flocking here from all corners of the globe to see Padraig.

 

“To have him anywhere near the sports day at 75 is madness. I wouldn’t have minded too much if he took part in the egg and spoon race but simian MMA is taking the piss. Clemente will have to go some to get back in my good books after this fiasco.”

 

But the head keeper has already set a plan in motion to make amends, telling rhesuspark.com: “I know there’s a 69-year-old chimp that keeps scaring the kiddies away at Whipsnade by slavering all over them.

 

"One of my old comrades from Prague works in the café there and has cut me a spare set of keys for the chimp enclosure. By the time David gets back from London we’ll have another simian oxygen thief on the premises.”

 

A funeral mass will be held in Shrewsbury Cathedral on October 28 at 11am with nibbles to follow back at the Rhesus Park cafeteria where a celebration of Padraig's life will be held, featuring stand-up comedy from Stan Boardman, magic from our keeper Hertz van Rentaal and a short burlesque show from the women's institute.