May-July 2016

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May-July 2016

Pokemon woe

July 19, 2016 Rhesus Park would like to express the deepest sympathy towards the families of the three teenagers who died in today’s tragic Pokemon Go accident.


The youngsters were mortally mauled after stepping into our baboon enclosure while apparently trying to capture the rare Golem Pokemon.


A horrified eye-witness, pictured left, revealed the poor boys, all believed to be 13, were torn limb from limb before Rhesus Park head keeper Clemente Kurva appeared with a tranquilliser gun.


She told “The boys didn’t seem to know what to make of the baboons when they reacted violently to this encroachment on their territory.


“One even thought the alpha male might actually be another Pokemon and waved his phone at him. But the beast seem to take this as an act of aggression and responded in kind. The rest is frankly too harrowing to put into words.”


The terrifying incident brought back painful memories of Black Thursday 1994, when 22 school children arrived at Rhesus Park and only one would eventually return home.


But Rhesus Park CEO David Alsatian defended the park’s safety provisions, pointing out that these were the first fatalities since the darkest day in our history.


He said: “The baboon enclosure is surrounded by a six foot fence so there’s no way you can fall in there by accident. I wanted to have it electrified but that was deemed barbaric by the council.


“The ones to blame for this tragic incident are Nintendo and the folk who run these GPS things. I’ve received several angry letters from folk who have ended up at a crack den and brothel after keying the Rhesus Park postcode into their SatNav.


“So I’m not surprised that these poor boys were led off track and into the waiting jaws of an enraged baboon.


“It took us a long time to repair the damage to our reputation after Black Thursday and this dark episode is sure to affect our gate receipts.


"I’m sure Nintendo will hear from our lawyers, or it might be more fun to send Clemente Kurva over to Japan next time he’s planning a trip to North Korea.”

Chilcot relief for Kurva

July 18, 2016 Rhesus Park head keeper Clemente Kurva has expressed his relief after learning there is no mention of him in the Chilcot Report.


Since the eagerly anticipated probe into the Iraq War shambles was published at the start of July, Clemente has been painstakingly looking through the 2.6million words for any incriminating evidence.


Now, having emerged from his office two stone lighter and what seems to be a decade older, he is pleased to reveal that his name plays no part in the report.


The veteran Czech served on both sides during the conflict in his role as a soldier of fortune, helping the Americans sack Baghdad before engaging in the some freelance work for the Taliban.


And certain disreputable websites were rife with rumours that Clemente helped compile the dodgy dossier that led Tony Blair to claim Saddam Hussein possessed weapons of mass destruction.


But our head keeper now claims he has been “100 per cent exonerated” by Lord Chilcot’s report.


Kurva said: “My conscience was always clear but when you’re dealing with lowlifes such as Blair, Alistair Campbell and that blind guy with the dog you can never be sure what lies they will tell.


“I met Blair in a hotel in Lebanon a couple of years ago and made it clear what would happen if my name came up in the report.


“It now seems like he’s smarter than he looks, although it’s a shame in a way because I was looking forward to letting my cattle prod loose on his nether regions.”

The Rhesus Opium Den

May 5, 2016 We are delighted to announce the opening of the Rhesus Park opium den, a place to ease away your worries and escape from the pressures of modern life.


Shrewsbury has been without such a key service since 1865, when the Anglican church formed a lynch mob and drove early Chinese settlers away from the area.


But opium has now made a triumph return to Shropshire soil, thanks to head keeper Clemente Kurva’s extensive contacts in Afghanistan.


Clemente said: “I met a lot of influential people when I was fighting in the Soviet-Afghan war back in the 1980s. One of my closest confidantes has now risen to the top of the pile in tribal politics and has agreed to supply me at cut-price rates for services rendered.


“I’ve already sampled some of the opium and it’s solid gold. I’ve been worried a lot about all those extradition threats but five minutes in the den makes all my fears disappear.”


The opium den replaces the Rhesus Park soft-play area, Jungle Jim’s, which had fallen into disrepair given the increasingly lawless attitude of modern toddlers and their parents. One of Shropshire’s top interior designers, Milo Twerkford, has worked his magic on Jungle Jim’s in return for free access to the den and it now resembles the iconic opium den from Once Upon A Time in America.


Rhesus Park CEO David Alsatian said: “I’d like to thank Milo for helping us realise our vision. This opium den could be exactly what the park needs to combat our falling revenue.


“We’ve found the teenage market hard to crack as simians simply can’t compete with hard-core streaming pornography but this opium den might help us finally make some inroads into this key demographic.


“With the Conservative government’s second term of office pushing more and more people towards poverty, desperation and despair, there couldn’t be a better time to open an opium den.”

The Rhesus Park opium den is open now, please feel free to pop in at any time. It costs £30 per hour and you can get 10 minutes’ free access if you buy six coffees from the Rhesus Park café.



Panama Papers Statement

May 5, 2016 Rhesus Park would like to issue the following statement after our name appeared in the latest batch of documents released from the Panama Papers.


“Rhesus Park remains a committed UK tax-payer and is proud of the fact our thriving business contributes to a better and more equitable society for all.


"We would never contemplate ‘spitting in the face of Her Majesty’s Revenue and Custom’, as one faceless financial blogger shamelessly accused us of doing.


“All revenue from Rhesus Park is reported to HMRC and the financial transactions mentioned in the Panama Papers relate purely to the individual finances of CEO David Alsatian and Head Keeper Clemente Kurva. Both Mr Alsatian and Mr Kurva share the same South American accountant, Wolfgang Eichmann (pictured below), and they now realise it was a naïve decision to trust him to make ‘ethical investments’ on their behalf.


“Our two employees had no idea their money would be spent on stolen Nazi art and jewels, despite pictures that profess to show Mr Kurva making a thumbs-up sign while posing in front of a Rembrant that has been unaccounted for since 1941.


“Mr Kurva and Mr Alsatian have now severed all ties with Mr Eichmann and asked for the glowing testimonials they wrote to be removed from Mr Eichmann’s website. They have also agreed to make a sizeable donation to the Simon Wiesenthal Centre in New York.


“Rhesus Park would like to make a full and public apology on behalf of our two employees and would now ask the media to respect the privacy of Mr Alsatian and Mr Kurva.”




Bonzo Bonanza

May 1, 2015 The Bonzo Dog Band have stormed into the Simian Top 50 with their timeless classic The Intro And The Outro, a song that somehow escaped our attention when compiling the original list.


Once CEO David Alsatian stumbled upon the song on Spotify he know it would go down a treat with our simians and his hunch proved spot on as they lapped it up, sending it straight in at No.9.


The gorillas were the most responsive, hardly surprising as one of their own takes on a roll in perhaps the most eclectic band ever assembled, alongside John Wayne, Adolf Hitler, Billy Butlin, Val Doonican and The Incredible Shrinking Man. Here's the video in all its glory