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Rhesus Park appreciates that the goldfish-esque attention span of today's youth will render most of this site useless to a large proportion of those born after the internet had turned us into morons.
For those who can't be bothered to read more than a couple of paragraphs of our sparkling prose, here's a selection of videos to keep you amused.
The stars of the show
The orangutan in this video is our resident artist Amsterdam, captured here learning his trade in Holland before his 2002 transfer to Rhesus Park.
As you can see from the clip, he is still very much a beginner at this stage of his career, displaying little of the flair and imagination that is now the hallmark of his work.
This sad footage chronicles the final few minutes of our beloved Paola, the last remaning female gorilla at Rhesus Park.
She finally dies of exhaustion just a few minutes after the video ends, condemning those who took such wanton bestial advantage of her to a future of inevitable homosexuality.
A fascinating documentary that sums up the differences between warlord chimpanzees and peace loving bonobos.
Some of the “wife-beating” scenes were filmed at Rhesus Park, although there was sadly no “penis fencing” on the day of filming, forcing the producers to go back into the wild.
This rare footage from 2011 shows the Rhesus Park lemurs placing a Malagasy curse, similar to the one that is believed to have ruined Steven Guttenberg’s film career.
While the recipient of their curse remains a mystery, the form of Fernando Torres noticeably dipped from this moment.
This video, shot by a travelling party of German schoolkids, sums up the simmering inter-species tensions at Rhesus Park.
All that stands between these simians and a brutal fight to the death is the finest D-grade plaster. When the battle was actually staged at the 2007 family fun day, the chimps won easily.
We've been framed
Keepers of the faith
This clip gives a brief insight into the former career of head keeper Clemente Kurva in his native Czechoslovakia.
According to Clemente, both filing cabinets behind this "government stooge" contain his handiwork from the 60s and 70s. He also claims to have taken the surveillance photos shown towards the end of the report.
A defining moment in the life of Clemente Kurva as his great rival Lubos Kadlec claims fourth place at the 1968 Olympics.
Consumed by rage after Kadlec’s foul play ruined his own chances of glory in Mexico, Clemente eventually gained his “revenge”, setting in motion the events that led him to Rhesus Park.
This graphic video takes us through the operation that transformed Big Shuggy Rough into Clementine, the keeper we now love and cherish.
It’s an unedited extract from the touching Channel 5 documentary about her life, Genderbenders, which is due to air in early 2015.
Hertz van Rentaal’s early career as a Dutch street magician is featured in this video, alongside his former sidekick Hans Zaaf.
As you can tell from their rather unimpressive box trick at the start of the video, this double act was doomed to failure. Three months after this clip aired, he decided to go it alone in the UK.
Although the script-writing career of capuchin keeper Jesus Garcia Iturrapse was an undoubted failure, he remains proud that two of his jokes made it into a prime-time TV show.
Both are found in this episode of the Lenny Henry Show, the gag about Nelson Mandela and the one about the silkworms.