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The Rhesus Bazaar
Most zoos and animal parks are lame and predictable when it comes to their gift shops, offering a dreary range of T-shirts, pencil cases, books, postcards and soft toys. Rhesus Park, though, is a different kettle of fish. We have modelled our shop on the most eclectic of Middle Eastern bazaars and you can find a selection of weird and wonderful gifts for every occasion. Happy shopping.
Home DIY Video
This is the video Josef Fritzl used to help construct his chamber of horrors in 1984 at his Amstetten residence.
Keller DIY fur Anfanger (Basement DIY for Beginners) was one of the most popular VHS cassettes of the era, selling around two million copies in Austria and Germany.
Narrated by former World Cup winner Paul Breitner, it can help any amateur build a dungeon in just two weeks.
Now you can buy the well-worn copy Fritzl himself owned for a knockdown £450
Rose West's Specs
These are the actual glasses Rose West broke when she was hit by several eccles cakes thrown by the baying mob when she arrived at Birmingham Crown Court for sentencing back in 1995.
She gifted them to Rhesus Park head keeper Clemente Kurva when they embarked on a pen pal romance three years later but he now wants rid of them, claiming West is 'dead' to him after she controversially dumped him for Slade bass player Dave Glover.
James Dean's Death Car
In a bid to preserve his legacy as Hollywood's coolest cat, James Dean's family and the police colluded to erroneously claim that the actor sped to his death while driving a Porsche 550 Spyder, nicknamed “Little Bastard".
That couldn't have been further from the truth as Dean was in fact driving this rusty shit box, whose poor handling and wonky brakes played a key role in the Rebel Without A Cause becoming a man without a pulse on that fateful September night back in 1955.
Now this important part of automotive and film history can be yours for under £40,000. We have also left the Playboy magazine that Dean stuffed into the glove compartment, adding further value to this sensational bargain.
Harry Houdini's Straitjacket
You'd be mad not to snap up this wonderful piece of memorabilia, the straitjacket Harry Houdini infamously failed to escape from outside the London Palladium in 1922 .
After dangling upside down from a crane for two hours, while amusing locals with some of the most profane language they had heard from a celebrity, Houdini eventually admitted defeat and called for the theatre manager to take the jacket off him.
Now you can take it off our hands for under £50. Buy it now before our sanity returns.
The Rhesus Park Terracotta Army
Give yourself some security in the afterlife by placing the defence of your tomb in the hands of our Simian Terracotta Army, brave warriors who will fight tooth and nail to stop demons and spectres from interfering with your eternal sleep.
These stunning figures can also come in handy before you pop your clogs, serving as intimidating garden oranaments. Cats will think twice about taking a dump on your exquisitely manicured lawn with our guards staring down on them menacingly.
Our charming witch's cauldron is a must for any family barbeque, although make sure small children don't fall into the pot as you may find it hard to get them back out.
As well as being an ostentatious way to show off to your neighbours, it also works as a fully functional cauldron if you are an actual witch who wishes to brew her devilish potions.
World War II Tank
Relive the glory days of global conflict by snapping up this US Army combat tank from 1944.
You can strike fear into traffic wardens and crush the cars of irritating boy racers - and all for under £600!
This awesome vehicle has been restored lovingly by Rhesus Park but does require a degree of internal upgrading as two skeletons still remain inside the tank.
The Rhesus Park Particle Accelerator
Have you ever dreamed of capturing the elusive Higgs Boson particle, just so you can annoy all those boffins who have spent years searching for it vain? If so, then Rhesus Park can make your dream a reality with our exclusive particle accelerator.
At £5.3m the price will probably prove prohibitive to all but an elite band of our wealthiest patrons but our accelerator is cheap as chips when compared with the world-famous Hadron Collider, which is estimated to cost around £2b.
However, if you do purchase this fascinating item then Rhesus Park cannot be held responsible for any black holes or alternate universes you go on to create.
Possessed Jormungand doll
This lovable doll is possessed by the spirit of Jormungand, a Norse demon which has struck fear into Scandinavian children for centuries.
Rhesus Park CEO David Alsatian stumbled upon the doll during a trip to Stavanger in 2009 for the annual Furry Tears conference when he bought it as a souvenir for his youngest nephew Ricardo.
When the doll soon started showing tell-tale signs of possession, though, the gift was swiftly returned to Mr Alsatian and it has remained in his office ever since, acting as a paperweight.
However, for just short of £30, you can take Jormungand off his hands and learn about his fascinating history as a giant sea serpent.
The Brazen Bull
Are you a mafia boss or mere local thug looking for the ultimate tool in intimidation? Then your prayers have been answered with the fantastic Rhesus Park brazen bull.
This medieval torture device, which the ancient Greeks used to roast people to death, will make sure that nobody messes with you ever again.
Rhesus Park's Bullet-proof Popemobile
Are you one of those people who racks up enemies at an alarming rate and spends most of your life anxiously looking over your shoulder for a lone sniper? If the answers is yes, peace of mind can be yours for just over £11,000.
Our state-of-the-art popemobile, which was designed to the same specifications as Vatican-quality vehicles, offers unrivalled security and comfort, even when you are heading into a viper's nest of ne'er-do-wells and potential assassins.
Our popemobile gets a hearty endorsement from Rhesus Park keeper Sal Pardesi, who has been on the run from the Cosa Nostra ever since he ratted them out back home in his native Italy. Sal said: "I've been using one of these for three years and I've never felt safer. The stereo system is totally bitchin' too."
Nebraskan Electric Chair
Take home a piece of history by snapping up this Nebraskan electric chair, which was used to execute prisoners in the US state before they decided to splash out on an upgraded version which came with a back massager, softer cushions and an iPad dock.
Rhesus Park CEO David Alsatian bought the chair at an auction in Nebraska when he was part of a touring production of the musical Starlight Express seven years ago.
He has been using it for job interviews since then but the joke is now wearing thin a little and he has decided it's time to cash in.
Forget about paying over the odds to see Derek Acorah at your local theatre, the only way to channel the dead is through our fantastic Rhesus Park Ouija Board.
We can give you a direct line to the supernatural realm but Rhesus Park can not be held responsible for any children that may become possessed by the devil as a result.
Hardened gambler kit
This fantastic piece of kit has everything you need to look the part as a grizzled gambler.
For just £75 we will provide three decks of cards, fake $50 bills, a poker table, Cuban cigars and a whisky glass.
We've even thrown in a replica gun so you can threaten fellow gamblers when you lose a big hand.
The Rhesus Gallows
It's 50 years since hanging was abolished in the United Kingdom but our gallows can still act as a powerful deterrent for out-of-control children who remain ignorant of their country's laws.
They can also double as a charming clothes line during the summer while bird lovers can hang fat balls from the nooses to provide snacks for their feathered friends.
Place Your Orders
With so many wonderful choices, it will understandably take you time before deciding which item is right for you. Once you have deliberated long enough, please use this form to place your order and we will get back to you regarding a payment.
If you would like Rhesus Park to stock an item that isn't currently in the Bazaar then just drop us an email at email@example.com