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Rhesus Park is situated on the site of a disused petro-chemical plant deep in the heart of the stunnning Shropshire countryside.

 

If driving by car, come off the A49 at Ludlow for our car park. It's then just a 45-minute walk through heavy gorse before a wade through a ravine.

 

The nearest train station is Shrewsbury, where a taxi driver will pick up you and evangelise about UKIP on an interminable, 50-minute drive.

 

We also boast a helipad but it has been out of use since the death of regular visitor Michael Jackson and the sad demise of Sir Jimmy Saville, who regularly popped in by chopper before being unmasked as a supervillian

 

Due to an ongoing dispute with the Royal Mail over a badly mauled postman, we are sadly unable to accept any correspondence by mail.

 

However, we would still encourage you to send letters, suspicious packages and heavy items to: Rhesus Park, 353 Simian Boulevard, Shropshire, SY4 7XX because it will waste the precious time of those money-grabbing idiots who are ruining our once-proud nationalised post service.

 

If you wish to contact Rhesus Park and actually receive a reply then please email us at rhesuspark@gmail.com or send your tweet nothings to us via Twitter.

 

You can tweet chief exectutive David Alsatian on @rhesuspark while our head keeper Clemente Kurva uses the handle @ClementeKurva. Take care if you are tweeting Clemente, though, as he doesn't suffer fools gladly and the twittersphere is infested with dim-witted buffoons.

 

Our chimpanzee keeper Clementine Rough doubles as a part-time agony aunt so if you are worried about your unsatisfying sex life, have no idea what to do with the corpse that is rotting in your boot or can't summon up the courage to tell your ageing mother that she's being punted to an old folk's home then email diamondtiara@rhesuspark.com with the subject line Clementine Cares

 

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the free picture and image sites www.sxc.hu, freeimages.com and morgueFile

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