Map Of The Park
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Medieval Monkey: If watching inbred, royal simians further decrease their shallow gene pool is your bag then you will never be bored at Medieval Monkey zone. Highlights include a chimp jousting tournament (with the loser hung, drawn and quartered for your entertainment), the glory hole guessing game and bleed the haemophiliac howler monkey.

 

Aztec Monkey: As above but with sombreros and sand.

 

Industrial Monkey: While far from the most glamourous zone at Rhesus Park, this is the beating heart of our business empire as trained chimps and macaques labour away on production lines making smartphones and sat-navs for our parent company, Goon Platoon Holdings PLC. But the workers' revolution is now upon us. All the monkeys are dressed in dungarees and carry a spanner. The national union of simians has been at war with the union of national simians for decades and you can be there to watch the carnage unfold in all its bloody glory.

 

Future Monkey: The year is 2034 and our simian overlords rule over us with a benign yet firm hand. In this zone you will be locked inside a spartan enclosure and laughed at by overweight monkeys who will sporadically bang on the glass in an attempt to get you to look at their cameras. Use of the phrase "get your hands off me, you dirty ape" will be punishable by death.

 

The Rhesus Dome: Six rhesus macaques, two giant fans, one dome. By the end you won't know what's chocolate and what's excretia.

 

Key to map:

 

Flying monkeys: So you thought those winged simians from the Wizard of Oz were the stuff of mere fantasy, eh? Rhesus Park spits in the face of your scepticism. Our skilled bio-geneticists successfully interbred bats and macaques in 2006 and you can witness this wonder of human creation exclusively at Rhesus Park.

 

First aid stations: All our monkeys look so cute you will want to reach out and pet them. That's why we have medical help scattered all across the park. If you can find a more irritable collection of violent primates with hair-trigger tempers anywhere in the western world then we'll give you all of your money back.

 

 

Disclaimer: Rhesus Park refuses to accept the intellectual property rights

of a production company that considers Ed Tudor Pole an acceptable replacement for a presenter of the virtuosity of Richard O'Brien. "Mumsy!!!"

Monkeying around