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Thanks to our unscrupulous governments deregulating the financial markets to such an extent that they now resemble Wild West saloons at happy hour, there’s never been a better time to be a legalised loan shark.
With the Second Coming still distant on the horizon in the eyes of everyone bar a few Hillbilly hicks and myopic fundamentalists, Jesus won’t be turning up soon to turf the money lenders out of the temple.
So it’s the perfect time to take advantage of the wide range of outstanding financial products on offer from Rhesus Park.
The Monkey's Lair
In an idea that in no way infringes the copyright or intellectual property of hit BBC show Dragons Den, we are willing to offer budding entrepreneurs massive sums of money as investments if they can persuade three of our sharpest simians to seal the deal.
Are you brave enough to step into the Monkey’s Lair and bare your business soul to Harpo, Cletus and Delila? All you need to do is make a five-minute presentation and offer some fruit as a token of your respect before our canny monkeys decide to give you either a thumbs-up or a thumbs down. Unfortunately, all three beasts must give a Yes vote before Rhesus Park hands over the money, presenting quite a challenge given Harpo’s miserly ways.
Although he was named after a Marx brother, Harpo shares none of their joie de vivre and has risen to the top of his troop through violence, intimidation and sexual prowess. Pragmatic by nature, he will only invest in sure-fire successes so anyone hoping to win him over with new-age nonsense like shamanic crystals is wasting their time.
Cletus and Delila are more happy-go-lucky and are likely to smile at you and offer encouragement but that doesn’t mean you should take them for fools. Behind that joyful exterior lurks a canny business brain and they are just as likely to sniff out timewasters as Harpo. Be careful not to patronise them as they will react with bestial violence.
If you’re lucky enough to secure an investment we don’t just offer you a massive wad of cash. You can also become part of the wider Rhesus Park family and will be able to benefit from the vast experience of our holding company, Goon Platoon Holdings PLC. We have a team of PR experts, distribution agents and masters of the dark arts (pictured left) who will do their best to destroy any potential competitors. Once we make an investment, Rhesus Park makes sure it is a success.
To apply for a place in the Monkey’s Lair, email your contact details plus an attached business plan to firstname.lastname@example.org. Sadly, due to our long-standing ethical views, we will instantly decline business ideas relating to the following: clowns, the promotion of American values, Robbie Williams, iconoclasts, Achy Breaky Heart by Billy Ray Cyrus, exorcism, phantom pregnancies, Yahtzee, coffee Minstrels, AAA batteries and crown bowls.
Be the envy of shoppers all over the UK by slapping down one of our stylish credit cards when paying for those unnecessary luxury items. We offer two unique ways to tighten debt’s stranglehold on your miserable life....
Platinum Primate Card (APR 456%)
For a monthly fee of just £24.99 you can benefit from a series of outstanding Rhesus Park perks, including:
A cast-iron alibi from two members of staff should you run into trouble with the law*.
Once you spend over £1000 on your Platinum Primate card we will arrange for you to have a series of unchallenged, full-force punches at the celebrity of your choice**.
Exclusive access to Clemente Kurva’s fleet of brawny Eastern European thugs should you wish to intimidate business rivals, terrorise enemies or discipline unruly children.
35 minutes of “special privileges” every week with the resident Rhesus Park prostitute/rent boy (goats and corpses also available for bestialists and necrophiliacs).
*excluding offences relating to murder, paedophilia, animal cruelty and parking
**due to excessive demand, Jeremy Clarkson and Piers Morgan are no longer available
Golden Gorilla Card (APR 2396%)
At a bargain fee of only £3.99 each month, the perks are obviously not going to be quite as extravagant as our Platinum Primate Card but they’re still not to be sniffed at:
A seat in our executive box at Shrewsbury Town FC for EVERY pre-season friendly.
50 per cent off the admission fee for Rhesus Park during off peak hours (8pm-midnight every Sunday, Christmas Day, St Swithin’s Day, Guy Fawkes Night).
Custody of a Rhesus Park monkey for two weeks every summer (gorillas excluded).
£1 cashback for every £100 spent in the Rhesus Bazaar.
A simian strippogram every year on your birthday.
The Rhesus Hedge Fund
We all deserve to treat ourselves to a few luxuries in our golden years, when the crushing disappointment of raising lazy, underachieving children gnaws away the psyche in tandem with the encroaching doom of an impending visit from the Grim Reaper.
And if you invest in the Rhesus Park Hedge Fund now then you can look forward to lavishing huge sums on exciting pursuits and expensive trinkets in a bid to banish that depression for a few wondrous moments.
We can guarantee a return of at least 115% on your initial investment and if you plough in more than 100k then that figure may even rise to 146%. All you have to do is hand us your cash and agree to this series of disclaimers.
I have no problem with my money being used for “undefined business practices” by a series of Eastern European mafiosos.
I’m quite happy to accept a percentage of winnings from Rhesus Park’s stable of champion gamecocks in Indonesia.
Rhesus Park can use my money in their negotiations with military dictatorships, regardless of what those cry babies at Amnesty International say.
If there’s a profit in it, why shouldn’t Rhesus Park sell weapons-grade plutonium to rogue states and indeterminate militia groups?
My money may be used to bribe third-rate footballers into influencing the outcome of Bulgarian football matches to satisfy betting syndicates.
I acknowledge that my investment may result in the extinction of some endangered species in the Amazonian rainforest.
If the FBI come round my house asking questions, I know nothing.
The Simian Sub-Prime
Many lenders have refused to sanction sub-prime mortgages since Hurricane Karmic Vengeance left the global finance markets on the brink of collapse in 2007 but Rhesus Park is happy to throw money at potentially risky applicants.
We spit in the face of credit checks and believe it’s unfair to rob decent people of the opportunity to own a home just because they have racked up enough debt to make a third world dictator’s spending habits seem like those of a miserly Aberdonian.
For a stunning rate of just 26% interest, we are happy to sanction mortgages of up to £250,000. You can even stretch your payments to a maximum of 50 years, thereby passing on the debt to your children when you finally snuff it.
But we won’t be taken for mugs so you must agree to the following clauses, plus some punitive punishments for defaulting on your payments:
Before we agree to sanction the mortgage you must complete a party piece to the satisfaction of three Rhesus Park staff members. This can include a song and dance routine, some stand-up comedy, fire breathing, sword swallowing and amateur gymnastics. Anyone attempting a mime act will be instantly refused.
One missed payment will result in a “friendly chat” with head keeper Clemente Kurva and some of his associates at the property in question. You will be contractually obliged to provide two bottles of vodka, a packet of garibaldi biscuits and four menthol cigarettes.
Two missed payments will result in “angry chat” with those mentioned above, this time at a quarry on the outskirts of Telford.
Three missed payments will result in a weekend stay at Rhesus Bay, the internment camp situated on our grounds. Due to deal struck with Communist party officials over the export of 600 pygmy marmosets in 2007, the camp is technically on North Korean soil and as such does not recognise the Geneva Convention.
Four missed payments will not only result in the property being seized by Rhesus Park, you will also be forced to work as slaves for the Rhesus Park staff members who will move into your house. You will have to clean, cook and entertain your new masters until the interest is paid off.
If any of our monkeys become rabid, pestilent or mentally deranged then you will have to let them stay with you until they are either cured or deceased.
Any unmarried daughters you have must be offered to Rhesus Park CEO David Alsatian as a potential wife before any other suitors are allowed to pop the question.
If you have a car or any other mode of transport it must carry giant advertisements for Rhesus Park on both doors, bonnet and boot, as well as a bumper sticker that reads “Honk if you like monkey business”.