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After watching Edinburgh Zoo shamefully cash in on the novelty of a night out amidst the original pioneers of wild celebrations, Rhesus Park has decided to take its slice of a morally dubious pie.
No big bash is considered off limits within our walls, be it bidding deceased family members a fond farewell at a wake or waving farewell to an adventurous sex life at stag or hen nights. Whatever the occasion, our staff and simians will do all they can to make it a day you will never forget.
And partying with the primates won’t cost you an arm and a leg (although that remains a more literal danger if you are foolish enough to climb into one of the enclosures) as our low prices make Rhesus Park affordable for even the Jeremy Kyle brigade.
Imagine the joy on your child’s face as one of our highly skilled monkey magicians plucks an ace of spade miraculously from his anus then hands it over for inspection along with a piece of paper that reads ‘Is this your card?’
This is but one of the many treats that awaits your beloved offspring if you decide to place their birthday party in the hands of Britain’s most progressive animal attraction. Where else would you get chimpanzee clowns producing a pitch-perfect rendition of The Frog Chorus while they set about destroying a bloated piñata of Paul McCartney with hockey sticks? And who would have macaques brave enough to dress up like Evel Knievel then jump over three crocodiles on a miniature motorcycle?
Rhesus Park is happy to go the extra mile for your little bundles of joy and wealthy parents willing to line our pockets to the tune of five grand can even let the birthday boy or girl take one of signature rhesus macaques home for keeps as the ultimate present.
For those on a more meagre budget, our basic package (entry to Rhesus Park, two helium balloons featuring the image of a monkey of your choice, a packet of prawn cocktail crisps and a signed photo of head keeper Clemente Kurva in his weightlifting days) offers a less thrilling day out but one that will nevertheless still be cherished forever.
Disclaimers: Maximum group size is 40, of which no more than six can have ginger hair. Any child who wears One Direction or Justin Bieber merchandise risks violent attack from our primates, who have a virulent dislike for the aforementioned artistes. If your child or any of their guests have food allergies then make them bring their own food. Our chef doesn’t stand for any of that pish and refuses to cook more than two dishes every day.
Stag and Hen Nights
The T-shirt we dish out to budding bridegrooms when they arrive at Rhesus Park for their stag party says it all: “I had the wildest night of my life at Rhesus Park.”
It’s a bold boast but one Rhesus Park is supremely confident of living up to thanks to the intoxicating combination of Eastern European moonshine, class A narcotics and some of Bratislava’s most beautiful women.
Proceedings kick off in the Rhesus Park staff room where our simian bartenders will pour bottles of indeterminate Czech hooch from head keeper Clemente Kurva’s private reserve into the mouths of the stag and his guests. After six or seven bottles, somebody in the party will then be bold enough to tackle the ultimate test of their masculinity – wrestling an African mountain gorilla.
While that foolhardy idiot recovers from what will undoubtedly be a painful and potentially disfiguring defeat, we will crank the heat up further as our team of stunning Slovakian strippers demean the stag with a series of degrading stunts that stretch the limits of our entertainment licence. As these four busty beauties pack away their perverted paraphernalia and prepare to leave the stage, the stag will be lulled into thinking his ordeal is over. At this point we unleash De Sade, a sexually frustrated, overweight chimpanzee in a gimp costume who has been kept in solitary confinement. Cue further hilarity.
Once the stag has regained both consciousness and his strength, Rhesus Park will whisk the entire party to Shrewsbury’s top nightclub, The Buttermarket, inside chief executive David Alsatian’s stretched limousine. And if anyone is lucky enough to get a lumber, we will lay out mattresses back at Rhesus Park so they can make the beast with two backs while our beasts look on from their enclosures.
Disclaimers: Anyone who accepts the Mountain Gorilla Challenge foregoes their right to compensation and sympathy should they suffer any serious injuries. If our Slovakian strippers are touched by anyone in your party, head keeper Clemente Kurva is entitled to exact his trademark brand of retribution. Rhesus Park can’t be held responsible if our Eastern European moonshine causes blindness, hair loss, impotence, violent hallucinations or a Messiah complex.
If you thought Hollywood hit Bridesmaids set the bar high when it came to disgusting escapades for brides-to-be then think again. Rhesus Park sees your defecating in the street and raises it with a series of simian-related stunts that will remained seared in your memory no matter how many therapists you pay for.
The night begins in similar fashion to our stag parties, with the bevvy flowing freely to loosen inhibitions, before our macaques act out their live interpretation of the Emmanuel Saga. This incredible hour-long show is then followed by 50 Shades of Silverback, a pioneering piece of theatre that reveals the secret world of sadomasochism in the animal kingdom.
With the juices now flowing, we throw some homosapien hunks into the mix, as the Chesterfield Chippendales take to the stage in monkey posing pouches. The hen is then encouraged to act out any remaining sexual fantasies with these fine figures of men before she pledges herself in perpetuity to some drippy non-entity whose job in marketing is the highlight of his existence.
Disclaimers: Please don’t touch any of the simians taking part in either the Emmanuel Saga or 50 Shades of Silverback. Our monkeys react aggressively to any distractions during coitus and may tear off your arm. Any hens who try to pour their heart out to Rhesus Park staff members about their potential ‘horrible mistake’ will be ignored and instructed to take another drink to banish such memories.
If your Rhesus Park Hen or Stag Night hasn’t irrevocably damaged your relationship with your betrothed, and you have finished the subsequent 12-week stint with Alcoholics Anonymous, then it makes perfect sense to hold your wedding at Britain’s top monkey attraction as well.
Rhesus Park offers a complete bespoke service to make sure the most important day of your life is one you will cherish forever, and all for an incredible price of just £999. That urinates all over every other animal attraction in the UK as they have the audacity to charge well over a grand for just hosting your reception.
We never do things by half measures and promise to take care of everything, from picking up the blushing bride on the morning of the wedding to ejecting the drunks who are still trying to drain the last dregs from your wine boxes as the DJ packs his turntables into his Renault Clio at 3am while sealing the deal with one of your bridesmaids.
Rhesus Park prides itself on offering services no one else can provide and our primates will play a key role in the day’s festivities. Samuel, our prized silverback, is the only gorilla in the UK to possess a valid chauffeur’s licence and he will drive one of our vintage cars (pictured left) to your front door to collect the bride. Samuel will deliver you in style to Rhesus Park for the ceremony, although any brides harbouring last-minute doubts can ask him to drive to any other destination in the UK if they decide to flee in terror (this will induce an additional charge of £49.99 plus petrol costs).
But why would you want to back out when can experience the unbridled joy of being joined in holy union by a Rhesus Park chimpanzee? Thanks to a deal struck with the Nevada gaming commission while working for Circ Du Soleil in Las Vegas from 2009-2011, our chimpanzee Terence has the legal powers to conduct wedding ceremonies and he will be the master of ceremonies (pictured right) when you exchange the vows you will no doubt disregard within a few years of your failed marriage.
No wedding is complete without the pictures you will look at through tear-stained eyes in the first few weeks of your divorce while cursing your spouse’s relentless libido.
That’s why Rhesus Park makes sure head keeper Clemente Kurva, who took over 10,000 surveillance photos while working for the Czechoslovakian secret police, is on hand to capture every detail of your big day. Clemente will immortalise you in some of Rhesus Park’s most romantic settings (pictured left) before crafting photo albums that will take your breath away.
It will then be time for the wedding reception and Rhesus Park offers a unique menu that will intrigue and delight/disgust in equal measure. Drawing inspiration from the banquet scene in Indiana Jones and The Temple of Doom (pictured below), our starter of carrot and coriander Soup is served inside scooped-out monkey skulls, something which is bound to act as an icebreaker for mismatched couples who are struggling for conversation thanks to your ill-conceived table planning.
Our award-winning soup will tickle the taste buds just enough to prepare them for the main event, our stunning seared gorilla steaks. Rhesus Park is one of only two places, the other being Buckingham Palace, in the UK to serve gorilla meat. Like her Majesty The Queen, we fly our gorilla steaks directly to our kitchens from Zimbabwe, ensuring that only the freshest cuts of meat end up on your plate alongside Jersey Royal Potatoes, succulent green beans and a raspberry jus. Delicious.
If there’s any room left in your stomach after that delight, Rhesus Park’s profiteroles a la singe provide a sumptuous desert and an energy kick to make sure you hit the dance floor with a vengeance once the entertainment begins. Our house band We’re The Believers, with Carlos the capuchin on drums, will regale you with covers of classic Monkees tracks for two hours before handing over to our DJ, gibbon keeper Hertz van Rentaal, who will keep the party going right to the end by playing tracks from our Simian Top 50.
All in all, it adds up to a day of incredible memories and value. But don’t just take our word for it, ask Daniel Hawkins of hit BBC3 show Don’t Tell The Bride what he thinks of Rhesus Park as a wedding venue. “It was a bit of a gamble picking a monkey park as a wedding venue as my fiancée Carla has always been something of a traditionalist,” said Daniel. “Any amateur lip reader could tell you what Carla thought when she stepped through the gates of the park but the quality of service, plus the fact one of the baboons mauled a drunken aunt she had always despised, soon won my bride over. We had a day we will never forget and all for under a grand. Top marks.”
Disclaimers: You may be tempted to knock the chauffeur’s hat off Samuel. Don’t make this fatal error. Samuel will react violently and any injuries suffered are entirely your own fault. Anyone worried about the legality of being married by a chimpanzee can receive a blessing from our keeper Jesus Garcia Iturrapse, who remains an ordinated catholic priest.
One in every 1000 people can suffer a serious allergic reaction to gorilla meat. If anyone at your table starts to sweat profusely and begins speaking in tongues then please dial 999 immediately.
The great Greek historian Herodotus once said: “Death is a delightful hiding place for weary men” but even a corpse can’t hide from the party at a Rhesus Park wake.
Indeed, the deceased will be the centre of attention as family and friends gather to raise a glass to their fallen comrade in the company of our simians.
Rhesus Park wakes are particularly handy for unpopular or reclusive people as our monkeys can help swell the ranks and create the impression that while the deceased may have lacked friends from his own species, he was nonetheless a respected figure within the simian community.
Our CEO David Alsatian, a skilled after-dinner speaker, is also happy to eulogise about any corpse laid out in front of him, transplanting stories from his own exotic existence into the drearier narrative of the deceased.
Wakes are mostly about having a good swally though and Rhesus Park will make sure the booze flows as freely as the tears, with a team of monkey butlers on hand to make sure your glasses are never left empty.
Disclaimers: Any corpse left overnight at Rhesus Park runs the risk of necrophilia from curious simians. For similar reasons, please make sure that the corpse arrives at Rhesus Park with its mouth closed.
Waking the dead
Glee home delivery
You don’t have to come all the way to sunny Shropshire to add some Rhesus Park sparkle to your party as we can bring some of our magic to your own door.
Cheapos unwilling to splash out on a proper party can still give simian-related gifts to loved ones thanks to our home-delivery options.
We offer a stunning range of floral bouquets and all our flowers come hand-delivered by macaques, a unique service that is sure the melt the heart of estranged children, hesitant girlfriends and sickly relatives.
Birthday boys and girls will also get a thrill when one of our gorillas turns up on their doorstep to hand over a clutch of colourful balloons.
What are you waiting for? Email firstname.lastname@example.org today and make a dream come true.