11-30

Mardy Bum

by Arctic Monkeys

 

Genre: Indie/Rock

Taken from the album Whatever People Say I Am, That’s What I’m Not.

 

It may come as a surprise to see the highest-profile monkey-related band feature so lowly on our chart but perhaps our simians bear a grudge after the Sheffield rockers repeatedly turned down offers to perform at our annual Family Fun Day.

 

Such bitterness still couldn’t cloud their appreciation of this fantastic tune from their debut album, which captures the Indie rockers at their very best on their ascension to fame and fortune. Indeed, the Arctic Monkeys may have been inspired to write this tune by a visit to Rhesus Park as two of our macaques are called “Mardy” and “Bum”.

 

OSH Rating: 822

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Hustler

by Simian Mobile Disco

 

Genre: Dance. Taken from the album Attack, Destroy, Sustain, Release

 

The very idea of a Simian Mobile Disco was enough to send our monkeys into a frenzy as they would love nothing better than to tour the country while pulling off moves on the dancefloor.

 

This track is a bonafide floor-filler and proved to be a smash hit with our macaques, who consider themselves the hustlers of Rhesus Park. They often fleece visiting foreign tourists with simple confidence tricks and have yet to lose a game of three-card Monte.

 

OSH Rating: 807

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Gorilla

by James Taylor

 

Genre: Folk

Taken from the album Gorilla

 

The title track from Taylor’s seminal 1975 album was another Sunday morning favourite of the Rhesus Park primates, soothing sore heads and wounded egos.

 

It was destined to chart well as all of our monkeys are keen fans of the Simpsons and they fondly recall Taylor’s appearance on the episode when Homer is sent into space. Our psychologist Dr Julius said: “Hearing a familiar voice can bring great calm over an agitated primate, although if that voice belongs to a certain Clemente Kurva, the opposite is often true."

 

OSH Rating: 802

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The Monkey Time

by Major Lance

 

Genre: Soul

Taken from the album Very Best of Major Lance

 

This song, which was penned by soul legend Curtis Mayfield, was Major Lance’s breakthrough hit in 1963 and it remains as fresh and vibrant 50 years on.

 

Our simians drew great inspiration from the track and seemed to want to perform for the tourists every time Major Lance told them “it’s monkey time”. Having witnessed this strange phenomenon,we now always plays the track whenever our primates are kicking back in darkest recesses of their enclosures due to inclement weather or over-strenuous sexual activity.

 

OSH Rating: 800

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Rear Vision Mirror

by Clockwork Monkey

 

Genre: Folk/Indie

Taken from the album Of Burning Things

 

 

You would expect a song by a group called Clockwork Monkey to wind-up our simians but this smooth tune did the polar opposite and sent a wave or relaxation over Rhesus Park.

 

Given that attacks from behind are a regular feature of life in the highly charged environs of our simian melting pot, a great many of our monkeys would no doubt wish they possessed their own rear view mirror. Perhaps the success of this song illustrates that pining.

 

 

OSH Rating: 830

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I’m A Believer

by The Monkees

 

Genre: Pop

Taken from the album Best of the Monkees

Would definitely have finished in the top 10 had our study been conducted a few decades ago but sadly only a few aged primates remain who can recall the Monkees in their thrilling 1960s heyday.

 

It remains a timeless classic though, helped by a fantastic cover version from Reeves and Mortimer in the 1990s, and it went down well across the board at Rhesus Park. Dr Julius also believes this is another nod towards the spiritual side of our simians as the song is an expression of faith, albeit in an undefined entity.

 

OSH Rating: 811

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After feasting on the delights of our top 10 I'm sure there's plenty of room left for more musical treats. Here are the numbers that didn't quite make the grade as the creme de la creme but are still a lovely pint of full-fat milk for your cup of tea or cornflakes...

El Orangutan

by Dakar El Africano

 

Genre: Latin/Mambo

Taken from the album El Orangutan

 

An unsurprising hit with our orangutans, who have come to view this as their unofficial anthem, and they would stand doubly tall on top of the podium at the Olympics when hearing this classic piece of latin mambo belt out over the public address system.

 

The song’s high rating may also be attributed to the fact Rhesus Park CEO David Alsatian sources many of our monkeys from Dakar, where he competes every year in the world-famous rally as an increasingly nervous navigator for head keeper Clemente Kurva in his souped-up 1981 Skoda Garde.

 

OSH Rating: 922

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Monkey Man

by Toots and the Maytals

 

Genre: Reggae

Taken from the album Toots and the Maytals

 

The capo di tutti capi of monkey songs, this 1969 reggae hit has been covered by almost every artist worth their salt (and Kylie Minogue).

 

Although the song is a playful tribute to legendary Chinese-Jamaican record producer Leslie Kong, there is no doubt whom the Rhesus Park simians consider to be the subject matter. Our head keeper Clemente Kurva is the undisputed Monkey Man of this manor and his subjects view him as a benevolent dictator, a man who inspires fear and respect in equal measure.

 

OSH Rating: 909

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Monkey In A Sack

by Lil' Buck

 

Genre: Funk

Taken from the album World's Rarest Funk 45s

 

Lil’ Buck’s exotic mix of jazz, soul and funk proved irresistible for almost all of the species at Rhesus Park, with the exception of the chimpanzees, whose low rating stopped this song from breaking into the top 10.

 

This is in no doubt down to the unique “10 minutes in the sack” punishment Clemente Kurva reserves for delinquent chimps. This act remains something of a mystery as Clemente never lets anyone else see him meting out the penance but once a chimp is subjected to what he deems “sack correction” they rarely reoffend.

 

OSH Rating: 890

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Charlie Chimp

by 4 O’Clock Planes

 

Genre: Indie

Taken from the album White Price Success?

The second song inside the Top 20 that identifies with our renegade chimp Charlie, highlighting the near messianic esteem in which he is held by his fellow Rhesus Park simians.

 

The Charlie Chimp in this song and our own missing monkey share plenty in common as they both showed great courage to embark on dangerous journeys into the unknown. Journeying into space might be seen as a trek fraught with greater peril but our dear Charlie has already been spotted in both Birmingham and Glasgow so it’s clear he has shown the bigger balls.

 

OSH Rating: 872

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Walking In the Footsteps of Giants by Harp and a Monkey

 

Genre: Folk

Taken from the album All Life Is Here

 

The political leanings of the Rhesus Park monkeys are laid bare in their appreciation of this fabulous folk song about a rambler setting off to Spain to join the fight against Franco’s facists.

 

Nearly all simian societies are socialist in nature (with the exception of pygmy lemurs who were swayed by the poisonous Regan-Thatcher rhetoric in the 1980s and became increasingly materialistic) and they appreciated learning about a rare case of human solidarity, having witnessed homo sapiens at their worst within the confines of Rhesus Park.

 

OSH Rating: 860

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Monkey’s Gone to Heaven

by Pixies

 

Genre: Rock

Taken from the album Doolittle

 

Psychologist Dr Julius rates this track from 1989 as one of the most important songs of our entire study as it hints at a simian understanding of the afterlife.

 

“Strong emotions were stirred whenever this song came on”, said Dr Julius. “You can sense the growing sense of hope as Black Francis repeats time after time ‘This monkey’s gone to heaven.’

 

“Life is essentially bleak for all captive simians and it must have been a revelation for them to hear that things may be better on the other side.”

 

OSH Rating: 847

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Simian Top 50

Monkey Chop

by Dan-I

 

Genre: Disco

Taken from the album Nicely Nicely

 

 

A track recommended to Rhesus Park by esteemed BBC disc jockey and all-round good guy Stuart Maconie, who rates this as his favourite monkey-related song of all time. And it's fair to say Monkey Chop more than lives up to such high praise.

 

In addition to its infectious disco baseline, this 1979 masterpiece also offers insightful lyrics, with its assertion of “monkey don’t chop banana” ringing true for every keeper who has been forced to slice fruit on to a simian’s cornflakes every morning.

 

OSH Rating: 911

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Huboon Stomp

by DEVVO

 

Genre: Indie

Taken from the album Miracle Witness

 

A classic that escaped our attention first time around but made a late entry in the Simian Top 50 chart after Irish hip hop sensations The Rubberbandits alerted Rhesus Park to it in October 2015.

 

This is another song that encapsulates the dangerous ethos of our wild simians, with Mark Mothersbaugh warning us: ‘I'm gonna romp, bone and stomp, I’m gonna rule.’ Those words are the mantra of many a Rhesus Park beast, so it’s no surprise the song elicited a high OSH rating, although this dipped noteably for the bonobos.

.

 

OSH Rating: 900

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Monkey Spanner

by Dave Barker

 

Genre: Reggae

Taken from the album Story of Trojan Records

Reggae fans of a certain vintage will fondly remember this top-10 UK hit from 1971 and it certainly seems to have made a lasting impression on the Rhesus Park monkeys.

 

That it rated incredibly highly with our capuchins is no surprise as they claimed a bloody victory over the neighboring lemurs back in 1998 after snatching a selection of tools from the workmen who came to repair the ventilation system. The fatal blow that felled the alpha male lemur was delivered by a spanner that remains tightly guarded by the capuchins to this day.

 

OSH Rating: 876

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Miss Orangutan

by Lincoln Chase

 

Genre: Soul

Taken from the album Miss Orangutan

 

While our ground-breaking study reveals hidden depths of simian intelligence and evolution, the high rating of this 1950s soul song proves they still have a bit of work to do on sexual equality.

 

The male apes, chimpanzees especially, reacted with glee as Lincoln rattled out blatantly misogynistic lyrics such as “I know she belongs in a cage, I do, but if she jumps in a cage I’m going to join her too”. Feminism also seems conspicuous by its absence at Rhesus Park, with the female orangutans rating this song higher than any other, mainly in the hope that Lincoln Chase might take his song a little too literally and offer his hand in marriage.

 

OSH Rating: 865

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Shock The Monkey

by Gazzara

 

Genre: Acid Jazz

Taken from the album Rock Lounge

 

It’s a testament to our monkeys' love of dance music that they are prepared to ignore the painful lyrics of this Peter Gabriel cover song and focus on the funky beats.

 

That they picked this version over the original is another indication of their intelligence, having surmised that anyone who associated with Phil Collins for a lengthy period of time must be a person of low moral fibre. They may also have been put off by Gabriel’s nightmarish video, which was made in 1982 but was like something out of 1984.

 

OSH Rating: 855

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Albino Gorilla

by Action Bronson

 

Genre:Hip Hop

Taken from the album Bon Appetite...Bitch!!!!

 

Hip Hop was a divisive genre throughout our pioneering study with some species showing it complete contempt while others revelled in the posturing machismo of rappers.

 

The chimpanzees and gorillas were keen fans, with Action Bronson’s majestic 2011 track sending their OSH ratings soaring. Fine dining’s loss was music’s gain when a broken leg forced the gourmet chef to give up his day job and focus on the rapping.

 

Our simians certainly gorged on this musical treat, especially Jonty, our resident albino gorilla.

 

OSH Rating: 840

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Dirty Harry

by Gorillaz

 

Genre: Dance

Taken from the album Demon Days

The second appearance of Jamie Hewlett and Damon Albarn’s ingenious cartoon band, who are one of only three acts to boast more than one song in our Simian Top 50.

 

It always made our monkeys’ day whenever this song was played as Dirty Harry is also one of their favourite films.

 

Indeed, the orangutans won’t hear a bad thing said about Clint Eastwood after he helped promote their entire species by working alongside Clyde in Every Which Way But Loose.

 

OSH Rating: 804

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Monkey In Your Soul

by Steely Dan

 

Genre: Rock

Taken from the album Pretzel Logic

 

The eclectic American group were once branded “the anti-heroes of 1970s music” by Rolling Stone but in the eyes of our primates they will always be heroes.

 

This song tells us to “fear the monkey in your soul” and anyone who visits Rhesus Park for more than a couple of hours would come to the same conclusion, especially when our blood-thirsty chimps are at their barbarous worst.

OSH Rating: 801

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