Where's Charlie?
Instagram

All images on Rhesus Park.com come from

the free picture and image sites www.sxc.hu, freeimages.com and morgueFile

Where's Charlie?

Renegade Rhesus Park chimp Charlie has been on the run since his violent escape back in May 1 2013. After absconding into the Shropshire countryside, Charlie's adventures have taken him all over the UK, according to our eagle-eyed spies...

October 26, 2016

 

I was forced to spend some time in Gibraltar earlier this year after a disagreement with my local jeweler, who took exception to the disappearance of his stock and opted for the petty option of calling the police when the matter could have been settled man to man.

 

While I was in Gibraltar, I spent time a lot of time visiting their famous barbary apes. I'm not sure why, maybe it was because I was missing my wife and they reminded me of her comforting hairy back.

 

I took my camera along most of the time and I was shocked when a chimpanzee joined one of the apes high up on the rocks. He looked like a dead ringer for your Charlie. It's been a year since his last sighting but maybe that's because he's been in Sunny Spain.

 

If you want him back, I'd get your arse over there pronto. He seemed to be laying down roots and had even pulled himself a barbary ape bird.

 

Simon Fredo, Enfield

October 30, 2015

 

While trolling the cast members of Glee on Twitter last night, I came across this intruiging tweet from Stretford Police.

 

After investigating reports that a bag of bones had been found in a canal, the intrepid boys in blue discovered it was actually a sleeping bag full of coconuts. While these cops branded this a "strange find", it actually makes sense if you factor the Rhesus Park renegade into the equation.

 

I'm sure Charlie would be tucking into some coconuts before drifting off to sleep but the fact his sleeping bag ended up in the canal is a bit mysterious. Given that the cops failed to find a chimpanzee corpse inside the bag, if he fell in by accident he must have found a way to escape.

 

A more likely explanation though is that Charlie now knows you are hot on his trail and is doing his utmost to cover his tracks. You will need to step up your game if he's this smart.

 

Paul Hucknell, Manchester

September 6, 2015

 

During a brief break from my all-consuming hobby of writing begging letters to Noel Edmonds, whom I consider to be my biological father, I logged on to Twitter to check out what other people across the globe were doing to waste their own time.

 

I was amused to see Celtic fans respond to the threats of knife-wielding Fenerbahce supporters by brandishing a series of everyday objects while wearing masks and hats. Despite attempting a cunning disguise it soon became obvious that your renegade chimp Charlie had attempted his own 'That's Not A Knife' meme.

 

He's even wearing a Rhesus Park hat that I assume he stole from your gift shop before making his daring escape. Maybe you should head down Celtic Park on a Saturday in a bid to retrieve the beast.

 

Alan Marshall, Glasgow

September 3, 2015

 

I was recently perusing the Scottish Mainstream Media in disdain ahead of composing my latest blog about the Machiavellian conspiracies that only truly investgative reporters such as myself can expose from the comfort of a childhood bedroom we have yet to vacate.

 

I usually give these scandalously overpriced comics just a cursory glance, pausing only to enjoy a chuckle at the numerous grammatical errors and spelling mistakes, but I felt compelled to pay close attention to the article about Charles Green and Craig Whyte being charged with "serious organized crime" over the acquistion of Rangers FC, or "Sevco" as those of us in the know correctly refer to them as.

 

The reason I wanted to read these so-called exclusives was because I actually broke the story myself 13 months earlier on my blog and wanted to see what these moronic cut and paste merchants had changed from my expertly researched piece. Yet again, they had merely plagiarised the fruits of my labour, adding just a few unnecessary adverbs, but the rage that usually leaves me on the brink of an aneurism was soothed by laughter as a I spotted a big hairy ape in two of the pictures.

 

At first I thought it was just one of the many Twitter trolls who regularly fill my inbox with death threats and violent curses but upon further inspection I noticed it was an actual primate and not one of those neanderthals.

 

When I pointed this out to one of my fellow bloggers over milk and cookies in Kelvingrove Park, he alerted me to your website and suggested that the ape in question may be the Rhesus Park renegade.

 

After running my investigative eye over past sightings of Charlie, and closely comparing photos of him in captivity to the two snaps that graced the newspapers, I'm now sure it is the same ape. Indeed, I would go as far to say I'm as certain about this as the fact that Rangers aren't the same club these days and they died back in 2012.

 

Padraig McGleuashaan, Glasgow

January 11, 2015

 

Like everyone else, I was appalled by the shameful scenes in Australia as normally mild-mannered darts fans ran riot in a beer-fuelled rammy.

 

I was even more stunned when I spotted a chimp in the midst of the fight. At first I thought it was just a lout in a costume but it's definitely a real monkey. Could this be your elusive chimp Charlie? It's a long trek.

 

Paula Schmidt, Leeds

January 7, 2015

 

Amid all the furore about Aberdeen star Niall McGinn's appearance in the Celtic end at Kilmarnock recently, it went unnoticed that your renegade chimp Charlie was also taking in the game.

 

Most newspapers decided to crop the picture to show just McGinn, Anthony Stokes and their kids at the game but as you can see from this full-sized photo, Charlie was sitting right above them.

 

I remember back in 2013 that Charlie was sighted in Glasgow and it seems he has taken a shine to the green half of the city.

 

Celtic's notorious Green Brigade group have endured a lot of bad press in recent years about ripping up seats, thrashing toilets and generally running amok on away days. But maybe some of this damage has actually been made by Charlie.

 

Seamus O'Hare, Glasgow

September 7, 2014

 

I think I may have found your renegade beast. I was enjoying a lesuirely round of crazy golf with the kids at Cannon Hill when I encountered this sight (pictured left) at the 17th hole.

 

At first I thought it was just a fiendish obstacle in my path on the tricky dogleg left and I marvelled at the life-like recreation. But I then realised that none of the other wacky features that had been blocking the path of my ball had lifted their hand and scratched their arse.

 

I tried to play round the monkey at first, only to rile him by firing a miscued shot off his right buttock. I feared this would result in a retaliatory attack but the chimp thought better of it after I brandished my putter above my head. Instead he decided to scarper and spent the next five minutes raking through the bins outside the cafeteria in search of his dinner.

 

Get yourselves down to Cannon Hill and you might get Charlie back before he moves on to his next destination. I'm happy to continue surveillance if you give me a decent wedge.

 

Benny Bowden, Birmingham

June 11, 2014

 

Was Charlie a big fan of football during his time at Rhesus Park? If so, then I think I may have finally managed to track him down. The bad news is that you will have to come all the way to Brazil to drag his hairy arse back home.

 

I'm an England fan who has been to the last six World Cups, smashing up bars and desecrating piazzas all over the globe. Having slipped through the FA's hooliganism net, I'm now in sunny Brazil preparing to watch our brave boys give Johhny Foreigner another kicking.

 

I just landed in Manaus yesterday ahead of our opening game with the wops and I was amazed to see this monkey (pictured above) as part of the official England Supporters Club. Could this be Charlie? A few boys on the plane are from Shropshire so he might have stowed away in their luggage.

 

Mick Cockburn, Essex

 

 

March 3, 2014

 

I was returning home from work on October 31 last year when I bumped into a chimpanzee at my local Threshers. Could this be Charlie? I couldn’t believe my eyes at first as the chimp forensically examined several wines in the South American section before opting for a Chilean rose.

 

This amazement then increased further when the beast casually picked up a bag of Chilli Doritos and tried to pay for his haul with a Lloyds TSB visa card. I was expecting the shopkeep to put an end to this charade by confiscating the items from the stinking animal before booting his hairy backside on to the pavement. Incredibly, though, he seemed to regard this transaction as de rigueur and even asked the chimp if he wanted to buy some cigars before wishing him a fond farewell.

 

When I brought the shopkeep to task for this shocking dereliction of duty, after investing in the three cans of Hoffmeister that would see me through that evening’s episode of The Apprentice, he then had the cheek to laugh in my face and told me to check my calendar. I could only assume he was referring to the birthday of a famous person so I went home and googled the date.

 

Why is it ok to serve chimps alcohol on the birthday of either Jimmy Savile, Christopher Columbus, Rob Schneider or Marco Van Basten? The closest I’ve come to answer is that it must be something to do with that film The Animal which starred the lamentable Mr Schneider. Did he metamorphosis into a monkey at one point and get himself pissed with hilarious consequences?

 

Bruno Saturn, London

 

January 21, 2014

 

Four of my chickens were done in last night and the handiwork lacked the usual cunning of those vermin foxes. The perpetrator made such a god awful mess than I can only assume it was a much larger, not to mention angrier, beast who ruthlessly murdered my beloved chooks.

 

Could it have been Charlie? If I find any chimpanzee DNA during my investigations, then rest assured a bill for £250 will be winging its way to Rhesus Park. He better not come back for more or my whole business will be ruined.

 

Arthur Cockfoster, Cheadle.

 

September 30, 2013

 

I rolled over in bed last night and thought I had found Charlie when I was confronted by a hairy, ape-like creature dressed in just a pair of Y-fronts. Then I remembered my husband was due home from the rigs a week early. We had such a laugh about the misunderstanding that my hubby even forgave me for the naked sailor who was washing off my scent in the en-suite bathroom.

 

Monica Del Amico, Aberdeen

 

July 31, 2013

 

I saw a chimpanzee taking a dump in my back garden the other day. The very idea seemed so incredulous that I slapped myself several times on the face in case I was dreaming. The sinning simian was still pinching one out by the time the third blow struck so I ventured outside before he decided to urinate over my begonias.

Unfortunately, a gust of wind slammed my back door shut as I tried to approach the beast covertly, ruining the element of surprise. The chimp scarpered with excreta still dangling from his backside and made off with alacrity into the surrounding neighbourhood. I live in Glasgow and find it hard to imagine that Charlie could have ventured so far but it’s not impossible.

 

One of my friends recently went to Thailand and told me a story about monkeys who jump on a train so they can fight with rivals in another town. Maybe Charlie went on to TrainLine and got a 30 per cent discount on the Kings Cross to Glasgow Central sleeper (above).I know it's a bit of a long shot but I think you need to keep an open mind.

 

Maximus Kremlinburger, Glasgow

 

May 21, 2013

On my way back through Darwin Forest following a particularly draining dogging session, I spotted what I would deem a UWB (unidentified walking beast). I quickly whipped out my mobile phone and took a picture of this mysterious animal. Could it be Charlie. I’ve shown the photo to my friends and they all insist it is a dog but I’m not so easily fooled. What do you think?

 

Oliver Drainage, Derby

 

Have You Seen Charlie?

Help us track down our beloved chimp Charlie by contacting Rhesus Park with any sightings. Use the form to your right to give us details of his whereabouts and you could walk away with a free gibbon pencil sharpener (rrp £16.95).